Waiting for the straw...

...you know it, the proverbial one, the one that broke the camel's back?  I can feel it coming and at this point I am just waiting to see what form the straw comes in.  Blech.

The past couple of months have been extremely hard.  Extremely.  It isn't even so much that there has been a ton of earth shattering events, especially in comparison to some of my previous experiences, but there has been a lot of events - one right after the other - that have caused some serious stress.

I already mentioned my dad's surgery in my last post, but it has already gotten worse.  They moved him in a nursing home and after being there for 2 days there was a serious complication and he had another major surgery.  The stupid nursing home did not follow the surgeon's orders, at all.  They were taking him out of his room in a wheelchair for PT that wasn't ordered (and they were instructed not to take him out of bed for anything basically).  They didn't properly set the leg on the pillows as needed.  And to top it all off they put him in a bed too short for him to lay straight.  The man just had a serious surgery in which a lot of his tissue/bone surrounding his hip & pelvic were removed - I mean really, do the staff in nursing homes go through the same schooling as everyone else?  Well the temporary hip joint (made from antibiotic cement, or something like that) popped completely out and they had to take him back into Cleveland for surgery.  This time they had to do the full replacement because they knew his heart/lungs wouldn't make it through a third surgery.  Nothing like doing a major surgery not knowing if a life threatening infection is gone or not....

On September 17th my uncle Delbert (my mom's brother) committed suicide.  No warning, note, reasoning, or anything.  He just went out in the yard and that was it.  My aunt (who was inside) didn't even realize it until  the neighbors found him.  To make an awful situation worse, my mom called yesterday to tell me my cousin David (Delbert's son) took his own life on Monday evening.  There were notes this time, but the Sheriff had them and my mom didn't know what was in them.  Besides these being horrific events in themselves, they also drudge up awful memories surrounding my brother's suicide.  Oh how I miss him.

As if enough hasn't been going on, my landlords are trying to get us out.  I really feel like it is because of our religion.  Of course that hasn't been said directly, but their total attitude changed with us after knowing what faith we are.  The worst part is the ploy they are using is that we are planning on bringing in foster children and the lease says we have to have permission for additional tenants (and basically they wouldn't approve foster children).  This is wrong on SO many levels!  1)  Legally they are full of it, and we know they can't actually evict us for it, but who wants to live in that atmosphere (especially since they living behind us).  2) We talked to them before we ever signed a lease about our desire to be foster parents and they were THRILLED.  They told us about their experiences as foster parents and asked about our classes and etc. So, we are meeting with them tomorrow night.  We've prayed about it a lot and are just going to tell them that if they really have ill feelings towards it they need to give us time to find a new place and let us out of the lease.  I don't want to leave in an atmosphere of contention.

Add in my normal crazy school schedule, work, and my church callings and this girl is emotionally and physically spent.  I really feel like if just one more thing happens I'm going to crack.

FAT - Frustration, Anxiety, Tension

So the acronym is actually from a workshop on learning disabilities that I watched in one of my classes a few weeks ago, but it just seemed to fit my state of being right now all too well.  I'm so very frustrated, and blogging is about the only thing I can do about it right now - so plan to 'hear' a lot if you continue reading!

If you know the family situation I've dealt with, you also know how difficult it has been for me to start rebuilding a relationship with my parents.  However, I've been doing it - with the support of an amazing husband by my side and love of a Father in Heaven and Savior to hold me up when Matt isn't quite enough.  On Tuesday of this week my dad was scheduled for a hip replacement of his hip replacement.  He had one several years ago and about 14 months ago something unexplicably started causing him severe pain.  Pain to the point he wasn't able to walk without aide, and eventually wasn't able to walk at all.  This has caused serious strains on my parents for the last year as it was extremely difficult for him to leave the house, and he couldn't be left alone for very long which tied my mom down to the house.  All of that on top of the shear pain he felt on almost a constant basis.

After countless appointments with specialists they could not pin point what was causing the pain so about 2 months ago they decided it would be necessary to go in and remove the initial hip replacement, and do a new replacement.  That was scheduled for this past Tuesday.  The surgery started around 4:30 and what should have been 4 hours, was actually 7 hours, and the replacement wasn't done at all.  When they got in there they found out infection had spread all over his hip, joints, pelvic bone and into his leg.  They spent 7 hours draining infection and removing bone and flesh.  They want to send him home Monday but he cannot put any weight at all on the leg (for obvious reasons) and will be on an IV antibiotic for 6 weeks.  2 weeks after that they will go in an be sure the infection really is gone, and if it is, they can then start rebuilding the pelvic bone and replace the hip.

When my mom was telling me all of this my heart sank.  If you know anything about infection, you know how serious it is and that it could still potentially take his life.  To top it all off my sister Lisa came up to see him (which is great) but because of her crappy attitude (or whatever) I now can't even go up and see him if she's going to be there.  It was so bad my mom went into the bathroom to call me this morning! In her own house!  UGH!  Why her and Keith feel like they are victims in all of this and have a right to be upset with me is beyond my comprehension.  The only people they are victims of are their own crappy self-serving attitudes.

So that's where I'm at today.  Frustration over Keith and Lisa and their holier-than-thou positions that continue to impact me.  Anxiety over the seriousness of the situation medically and the potential outcomes. And tension, good ol' tension - so thick I feel like I am drowning in it and not quite sure how to escape it right now.

Inspiration

I am so thankful for inspiration from God given to us through the Holy Ghost.  So very thankful.  Last August I was in a terrible spot.  Through prayer we decided I would quit my job.  We had no plan, we just knew I wouldn't be going back to work.  If you know me you know how important having a plan is to me.  I don't do things spontaneously.  I don't make small decisions on a whim, let alone life changing ones.  At that time it didn't matter though.  I knew the answer we received was from God, and that's all I needed at the time.  

Within a month we knew that I should start my own cleaning business.  I had done it part time before and had been successful, and I love to clean.  It would also allow me to avoid working with others.  Not that I don't like other people, but I don't like them in competitive work environments that brings out the best worst.  We worked on creating a business name & logo, and had fliers and business cards printed.  Then my friend Amanda and I started pounding pavement handing out fliers.  I had a couple of one-time jobs, but nothing was catching.  I didn't get it.  We were following what we were inspired to do.  We were running out of money, and quick.  What were we going to do?  Then the phone call came.  My friend's 9 year old was at Rainbow Babies with an extremely debilitating illness that they couldn't diagnose and treatment wasn't helping.  Then I had my answer.  This is why nothing had picked up.  This is what the Lord needs me to do.  I spent the next several weeks helping at the hospital.  Taking shifts so mom could sleep (or pretend to) at the hospital, or babysitting the other kids while dad worked and other things that needed done so mom and dad could focus on the more important things.  Within a couple weeks of the sweet girl coming home from the hospital I received two regular cleaning jobs along with quite a few deep cleaning jobs.  What a blessing that was, and I have no doubt it was all in the Lord's plan.  

After I was getting into a good routine we had another prompting.  Well, I had the prompting a few times, but was getting really good at ignoring it.  So then the prompting was given to Matt - and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I was to go back to school.  Not just that I was to go back to school...but I was to change my major to Early Childhood Education, we were to move to Ashland, and that was that.  Crazy, right?  I thought so.  I am not very far from finishing my Accounting degree, so why start all over?  The move was a shock because we've prayed about making the move a few times, and were always told to stay put.  So now that we weren't praying to move, we were being told to - go figure ;).  

So...fast forward a few months.  I started school in May and completed 14 credit hours over the summer.  I'm about 5 weeks into the fall semester and loving it.   However, the money situation is still pretty tight, and my cleaning jobs were becoming scarce again.  Then in August I was pursuing a part-time job at the university that really seemed to be the answer to our financial bind.  After praying about it though, we realized it wasn't in the Lord's plan for us.  I was so confused, but remember the distinct impression to be prepared to serve.  Within a couple of weeks I again knew what that answer meant and I am currently serving on the Stake Public Affairs Committee, as a Cub Scout Den Leader (with Matt), and also as the ward Organist, Primary Pianist & Choir Accompanist.  I love to serve, and I was sure glad I listened to the prompting on preparing to serve!  Oh, and if you have read this entire post and still haven't seen how serving the Lord can bless us in enumerable ways ~ within a very SHORT time of receiving the last 3 callings, I picked up 2 more regular cleaning jobs and 1 one time job.  Isn't the Lord awesome!  

Which brings me to today...as much as I have loved being back in school, I still question why and if it's really right.  This morning I had my first classroom observation.  I went into a high school math teacher's room and just observed for two hours.  It gave me so many insights into teaching I hadn't had as a student.  Afterwards I had to give a literature presentation.  I had to stand in front of my 16 classmates, treat them as if they were elementary students, and read a book to them and have an activity planned out as well.  I was SO nervous.  After the lesson though the teacher gushed, which felt really good.  She told me that I was most certainly on the right career path and that I did a phenomenal job!  WOW!  I don't say that to brag (well, maybe a little) but mostly because without knowing it the Lord used her to help calm my fear and doubt.  After the presentation I had a meeting with my academic adviser to see how long it was going to take me to get my degree.  Because I was transferring from a business major, I was way behind and I was pretty sure it would take me another 3 years to finish.  3 years has just seemed like too much for me.  Too long for a lot of reasons I won't go into - but just know, it felt too long for me to handle.  The academic adviser was great and he told me he is checking with someone about getting an exception for me that would allow me to take a group of 3 classes together, rather than having to take 1 of the 3 classes as a prereq for the other 2.  If he gets the exception, I will be done in 2 years!  I will graduate in Dec. of 2014!  I was SO thrilled to hear that, and it just felt RIGHT.  

So at the moment I am thankful.  Thankful for the still small voice that prompts me so I know what the Lord's plan is for me.  So I know what my Father in Heaven has in store for me.  So I know how to stay on the path that will help my family & me the most.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to have a sure knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, a brother who gave His life for me, and the gift of the Holy Ghost so I can communicate with them.  

If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that this blog has been based on inspiration. This post is as well, more so than normal, if possible. The reason is I have been boldly instructed to share this information, my experiences, with someone else. The problem being, I have no idea who that person is. So, for now my blog is open again, and I am hoping if you feel inspired to share this with someone else, you will. As previously mentioned I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression. It's a scary, hard, awful, thing. Something that I am afraid is going to swallow me whole sometimes.

This past Thursday I found that I was once again placed in a deep pit of despair. We woke up as normal and were doing our scripture study. We had finished and were starting to work on our budget. My chest started to tighten and I felt like my stomach became a bottomless pit. I felt fear. Real, tangible fear. The feeling was so overwhelming I didn't even know what to do next. I then proceeded to be sick. I barely made it to the restroom and needed the trash can as well. I'm sorry if that was tmi, but I feel it necessary to paint the picture. This went on for over half an hour. Matt had called a good friend to come over and they gave me a blessing. The blessing was interesting to me for several reasons. One was that I was told the reason I experience this trial is so that I can share my experiences with other. Another was I was silently praying in my head during the blessing. Not something I make a habit out of, but I had a lot of questions. As soon as one question escaped my mind, the answer came verbally in the blessing through Greg. It felt as if I was having a conversation directly with my Father in Heaven. I mean, I know that through prayers and blessings we are hearing from Him, but this was different. This felt as if I was sitting at His feet asking questions and He was answering. I never in my life had such a real life witness that I was the daughter of a King.

Matt ended up needing to take a sick day on Thursday to look after me. Friday morning was really tough again, but I had a cleaning job that I had to go to. Before I dropped Matt off at work he gave me another blessing, this time one of comfort. During the blessing I was given this sweet, tender mercy, from my Father in Heaven. He gave me this very specific action I could do when things started to get overwhelming for me during the day. It was simply placing my right index finger on my left cheek. Simple, right? Yet so hard. Hard to have enough faith to know that such a simple thing could fix the problem. Even if the fix was only temporary (the blessing even stated it would only work that day). It did work though. Not only did it calm me when needed, it further testified to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. And while some trials require long-suffering, He loves us enough to give us reprieve in our darkest hours.

Another knowledge I was blessed with through the specific trials this weekend is that our Savior suffered this too. I have been taught, and thought I understood, that through the Atonement the Savior felt every pain, sorrow, and heartache we could ever fill, I don't think it ever sunk into me that it includes anxiety and depression. This "lightbulb" gave me sweet assurance that I can do this. The Savior did this, He felt this, so that I would know I can do this. There's more I could share, but I feel like this is all I needed to share at this time. I do want to reiterate that if you, or anyone you know, can benefit from this post please pass it on. Pass my contact information on as well. It can be scary, but talking about things like this with people who have experienced it can help. With that being said, I'm including a video that discusses it and has helped me immensely.

Enduring it Well

Forgiveness

I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness. I am thankful I have been able to repent of my transgressions and receive forgiveness from my Father in Heaven and those I have offended. However, it appears those who have no weight in the matter have decided I am not worthy of the forgiveness and are using this blog against me. Due to this, I have decided to make the blog private even though it is going against the distinct purpose of this blog. If you would like access to the blog, please send me the e-mail address you use with blogger so I can add you to the list. I will go private by the end of this week, and in the mean time have hidden the other posts. I truly hope that most of you will request an invite and continue to follow the blog!

Thirty

I have officially left my twenties behind and turned 30 yesterday. For such a 'big' birthday, it was pretty low-key. My niece Mackinzee is down from Michigan so I picked her up and we had lunch at Olive Garden and took advantage of Sandusky Cinemark's $4.50 movie deal on Tuesdays and saw Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days. I know nothing of the series so didn't know what to expect, but it was a good movie. When I got back into town I picked Matt up from work and we had Brian Buffet for dinner and he decided we needed to take care of Mansfield Cinemark's $1 movie deal and we went and saw What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was a really good, hilarious movie! However, I hate that they feel the need to put certain realities of pregnancy (miscarriages namely) in movies that are supposed to be comedies because I cried, (full blown sob) for about 15 minutes of the movie. Jerks. It's been funny. Since we've moved to Ashland and I've met people that I probably won't have a lasting relationship with (students in my classes, professors, and etc) when the question of age has come up I've just said 30 since I was basically there anyhow. Turning 30 wasn't a big deal to me, maybe because my husband will be 37 next week, or because I've had enough life experience that I feel closer to like 60 at this point, or more than likely because it's just another number. However, yesterday, it was kind of a big deal to me. Between lunch and the movie Mackinzee and I had time to kill so she wanted to look at shoes at JcPenny. While my 10 year old niece (who is too tall and looks to old to order off the kids menu anymore) was picky out 6" heels with glitter and sequence, I was looking at the 'sensible' shoes that were in neutral colors and had small heels on them. I sat there thinking in my head "when did I become the old lady". My oldest sister Lisa is 14 years older than me, and I remember as a teenager shoe shopping with her and promising myself that I was never going to turn 'old' that quick. Well here I am. It was only proven again when we walked by dresses and Kinz pointed some out and I told her she would had to sew them together to cover enough skin - then she told me the dress I liked wasn't glamorous enough. Oh boy!

So here I am, 30, and a little freaked out. Freaked out that I just decided to change careers and start school all over. Freaked out that we still haven't been able to have a successful pregnancy and I'm going to 75 when my kids graduate high school. And a little freaked out that I'm already this 'old'. Then reality sinks in and I'm thankful. Thankful that at 30 I have a sure testimony of a Father in Heaven that loves me and a Savior that has suffered all for me. Thankful that I've been sealed to a wonderful man for time and all eternity and that loves and supports me in all things. Thankful that my career change has brought us to a place where I know the Lord wants us and that we absolutely love. Thankful that I'm 3 years cancer free. Thankful that I've learned to forgive so that I can be forgiven. Thankful that each day I can grow closer to my Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ. And thankful to know that if I follow the Gospel, my life will be what God wants it to be, and that will be perfect.

Trials

We had a lesson on adversity in Relief Society given by a sweet sister who I love to be around because I can just feel the warmth of her spirit. Throughout the lesson and all day today I've been able to reflect on the subject, and my testimony continues to grow on how our trials are truly blessings. Not only blessings to ourselves, but to others. I have tried to make a habit of keeping a record of all the blessings that come from my trials, at least the bigger ones. It's amazing to see the way the Lord works in our lives. One of the most amazing things I have seen the Lord do through trials is to teach people how to support and uplift each other. We all have our own trials, and no two people go through the exact same struggle. However, we are given similar experiences to help each other learn and grow from them. Once I had gotten over the grief and pain of the sexual abuse I endured as a child, I learned through the Spirit that one of the reasons I had that trial and experience is to help others cope with similar trials. Since then I can't even count how many sisters, young and old, I've been able to talk to and share my experience with. My testimony has grown exponentially since then, in ways I can't describe. The sister that taught today had shared that her son had taken his own life many years ago. She had mentioned it in Sunday school briefly, but then discussed it more in depth during Relief Society. I know that one reason she had to suffer that trial is so that almost 30 years later she could share the experience in my presence and help me come to terms with emotional struggles I've had since my brother took his life 11-1/2 years ago. It has always seemed taboo to discuss suicide in the Church for one reason or another. It was like a breath of fresh air that she was willing to openly discuss what she went through in a wonderful attitude of reverence that helped me to feel the Spirit of the Lord so strongly. I am eternally grateful for a Heavenly Father who's knowledge of us is perfect. Who's knowledge of circumstances surrounding all of our choices is perfect so that we can be judged perfectly. I am thankful for those that have learned to see the blessings that trials bring and that have taught me to do the same. I truly am thankful for my trials.

Hallelujah

I absolutely love this song, and these three girls gave me goose bumps so I thought I would share it! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

I Love to See the Temple

I love to be able to attend the Temple. I love to be able to feel the Spirit so strong I feel like I must burst. I love to know that when I walk within those doors I am completely safe. Completely safe from all forms of abuse and negativity. I love that I can feel so close to our Father in Heaven and Savior there. I love that I can receive special answers to prayers there. I've been considering a part-time position at the University to help with our financial bind. It would only be 12 hours a week, but paid well enough that it would cover our rent every month. The problem is that it would mean I would be able to attend Cub Scouts on Wednesday evenings, and I could no longer consider working at the Temple with Matt again because I would have to work every Saturday morning. The position really did seem ideal to help our financial situation, but after receiving such sweet answers to my prayers I know now that it is not the answer. What I am to do is to devote the next few weeks off of school on my current callings, and to prepare to receive more assignments from the Lord. Right now we are serving on the Stake Public Affairs committee as Social Media Specialists (we are primarily responsible for the Stake Newsletter and FB page) and as Cub Scout Den Leaders over the Wolf Pack. I have also received a third calling within the ward, but haven't been sustained yet so can't divulge what that is quite yet. I'm quite excited for our current callings because they both challenge me greatly but appeal to the organizational and crafty sides of me that I enjoy using. I also received inspiration to talk to Bishop Yates about serving in the Temple again. I was hesitant before, but now know that is what the Lord wants me to do. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am thankful for a knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I comprehend, and a Savior that was willing to suffer for my sins and lay his life down for me. I am thankful for continuing revelation and that I can receive answers to my prayers.

Death & Closure

I am recommitting myself to this blog - for real this time! I was able to reread a lot of the posts and the Spirit once again confirmed to me that I MUST do this. I also realized that by slacking I missed out on some neat posts that would have helped me now and now I only have distant memories of the testimony gained, rather than a powerful reminder. My grandmother passed away earlier this month. That's the second grandmother I've lost this year, and my last living grandparent (out of 8 - 4 of which I knew and had relationships with). There was quite an experience at the funeral, but I think I need to post more about my family situation first. In August 2007 my entire world officially fell apart. There was reason to believe my niece had been sexually abused as well, so we immediately had to action. My little sister's relationship with the rest of the family has always been strained, so we knew if the information about what happened to us came from her it likely wouldn't be heard. So I started with a call to my oldest sister Lisa, mainly because my niece was on the way to her house in KY with my parents when my little sister Kim called to tell me the things my niece had mentioned to her. From there my sister told my brother Keith in CO and my sister Michelle who lived near Cleveland. At first they were all very supportive and wanted to do what they could to help, until we didn't do things on their terms. At the time I was living with my parents, so I needed time to move out first (3 weeks was all I was asking for). While I'm not sure what transpired with them, I do know they tried to confront my dad behind our backs (I mean really, it didn't happen to YOU, what makes you think it's YOUR right!?!). Thankfully my mom mentioned something to me in passing that led me to figure out their plan and we were able to stop that from happening. In the mean time my sister had talked to a therapist and he had to report it to children's services. Within a couple of days of me moving out they made a home visit to my parents about the accusations. From there all hell broke loose and I've not been able to contact any of my nieces and nephews since. My sister Lisa and brother Keith basically refuse to acknowledge my existence, but now, after years, my sister Michelle will still have chit-chat conversations with me via Facebook. The things that have happened since with my nieces and nephews (1 of which I haven't met) have made my heart ache wanting to reach out to them and help, hug, kiss and just love them. Now fast forward. My Grandma Schultz ("granny haha") has been suffering from cancer for years. Within the last few months she's worsened and she was moved into hospice earlier this summer. A few weeks ago, at the age of 97, she finally gave up the battle and left this earth. It really was the best thing for her body that became so increasingly frail. When the entire family drama happened years ago, Grandma Schultz was one of the family members to cut us off because of what we 'accused' her son of. Having been close to her prior to that though, Kim and I both wanted to show our respects and attend the funeral. I had talked to my mom about it and she was sure nobody would cause drama for me, but she couldn't promise the same from Kim. While we don't know for sure what has been said, we've assumed most of the "blame" has been put on Kim because of our different reputations within the family. We got to the funeral home early, and when we walked in only my parents and my cousin and his girlfriend were there. I think my cousin felt the tension because they quickly went into the other room. At that point my dad turned around and called my sister a name and told her that she had a lot of nerve being there. He kept running at the mouth while me and mom both tried to get him to stop but it didn't work. I started to walk away as my sister ran crying from the room, but something came over me. I turned around and bent down so I was right in front of his face and said "You will pay for eternity for what you did. You don't need to be concerned with her nerve." I was then told to leave too (which I would have anyhow) and grabbed Matt and Kim and we headed to the parking lot. I can't begin to explain the huge weight that was relieved from my shoulders when I walked out of that funeral home. I was seriously GIDDY the entire day. After a lot of therapy, prayer, and practice I had learned to forgive my dad for what he did, but I never really had that feeling of closure. After saying that to him, in front of my mom, I finally felt that since of closure and peace. Afterwards my mom left me and Kim a voicemail apologizing for what happened, and my sister Michelle sent us messages after she found out what happened. I knew it wasn't their faults and they couldn't control it, but it was nice to hear someone else recognize that what he did at the funeral was wrong. I know that from an eternal perspective things will be taken care of, and honestly, that's all that matters to me....but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it would feel really good if someone would just say they believe me and know I wouldn't lie about something so horrific.

I'm a slacker.

So clearly I didn't keep my promise of posting 6 months ago! Agh! So a quick run down of what's happened over the last 10 months: August 2011 - I left my job. It was by choice, and they really wanted/needed me to stay, but my mental health was anything but healthy and I knew I needed time to heal. After prayer and careful consideration I left my job, and we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and left our home. We stayed with Matt's mom for almost 3 months, and then with dear friends for another six months. I started my own cleaning business, that really didn't pick up immediately - just a few one-time jobs. Then, in October, tragedy struck the family of a dear friend when her 9 year old went into the hospital with an unknown illness. Thankfully, my lack of employment allowed me to help the family in various ways, which included being on "night duty" at the hospital so mom could sleep. 8-1/2 weeks later, the dear thing was able to go home and now, several months later, she has almost no signs of the awful disease that disabled her mind and body for such an awful amount of time. After the hospital stays were done it was like a light switch flipped for my business and I now have 4 full-time clients. We would really benefit if I could pick up one or two more clients, but we are extremely blessed by the ones I currently have. In January '12 we decided to pray one more time about moving to Ashland, and this time it was a yes. It was not only a yes to move, but a yes for me to go back to school full-time starting in May. So, that's where I'm at now. I have 5 classes this summer and am loving being back in school (surprisingly enough). I am hoping to keep the fast pace up and be able to complete my degree in Early Childhood Education within 3 years. We have a beautiful rental home that was new construction that we just adore. If money were no object I would have run up the national debt decorating the place because of how much I love it! Unfortunately (and thankfully) we are broke - as broke as ever - so we are learning to do without our wants, and for now, a few of the less important needs. It has really helped to humble both of us and I think we are finally both in a place where we are totally committed to being fiscally responsible (something we've failed at in our marriage so far). During the move I lost my prescription of Lexapro, so I went without it for a little over two weeks. It was good in a way because I learned I cannot go off of it, at least not quite yet...but I also learned that if I did have to, I would be OK (just not great). Once we found it I went back on it just every other day until I can afford to go back to the doctor to have the prescription renewed (as this was my last refill since she wanted to maybe take me off after 6 months). So I think that is the short of it - there is definitely a much longer version of the events over the last several months, some of which I'll share as part of my spiritual growth, but I definitely won't bore you with all of the details. If anyone is still reading this, let me know :)