Through the mists of darkness

Matt and I study scriptures in a very different manner at a very different pace.  We have tried doing scripture study together several times, but it never quite works.  As an alternative, we have decided to study the Ensign together each night, usually laying in bed.  Most of the time we listen to the recording of the article being read, and I follow along on my phone.  The article we were on last night, however, didn't have an audio file, so I was able to read it aloud.  It wasn't 2 minutes into the article and I was already sobbing.  Not the small sniffle here and there cry, but a full on sob.  Tears soaking my pillowcase, snot running down my face, and my eyes so cloudy I couldn't read more than a few words at a time before getting yet another tissue.

I have never been able to adequately describe to someone else what my anxiety feels like.  Definitely not while I was in the midst of it, but not after the trial is (temporarily) over, either.  The article we read last night so eloquently said exactly how I feel.  It was so accurate I felt like the author must have some how heard my prayers to my Father in Heaven.  That she somehow intertwined herself in the depths of my soul.

It is a strange feeling, to say the least, but also a very comforting one.  Comfort that comes from knowing I am not alone in this trial.  Comfort knowing that Heavenly Father loves me so much He guided us to an article I most likely wouldn't have come across otherwise.  Comfort knowing that there is an end to the mists of darkness, not just the temporary end I seek now, but an eternal end when I return to live with our Father Heaven.

So, in a way I haven't been able to explain before...this is how and what I feel.  I'm including the article here more for my own selfish reasons (so I don't accidentally lose it down the road).


Finding My Way through Mists of Darkness
By Juventa Vezzani
California, USA

A few years back I went through an especially dark season of my life. I faced many difficult challenges, and I felt depressed and overwhelmed by heavy burdens.

At church one Sunday, I looked around at all the happy families singing hymns and tasting of the love of God. I wanted to feel the same way, but something felt physically wrong with me.

I had felt the Spirit in the past, but I had been unable to for some time. As in Lehi’s vision of the tree of life, I felt as if I were completely surrounded by mists of darkness—I couldn’t even see the tree (see 1 Nephi 8:2–24).

When the sacrament prayers began, I closed my eyes and reached out to Heavenly Father, pleading for assurance of His love. I asked Him why I couldn’t taste of the fruit of the tree of life.

As I pondered Lehi’s dream, I had a piercing realization. “Why haven’t I remembered this before?” I thought. Traveling through mists of darkness is a completely normal part of God’s plan. He allows us to experience difficulties from time to time so that we can completely depend on Him and His Son. The key is to cling to the iron rod. I still saw myself in mists of darkness, but I had hope.

As this impression left my mind, I felt a sweet reassurance from the Holy Ghost that my trials would pass. The Spirit testified that Heavenly Father was there. I wiped the tears from my eyes, grateful that I had been able to feel the Spirit again.

I began to immerse myself in the scriptures. I still had many dark days, but I had faith that if I clung to the iron rod—the word of God (see 1 Nephi 11:25)—I would be freed from the mists of darkness. I’m not sure how long it took, but one day I could at last taste of God’s love again. It was like warm sunshine after a long winter.

As I have struggled off and on with life’s challenges, I have remembered my promise to cling tightly to the iron rod by studying the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I know that when the mists of darkness come, I have the tools necessary to see my way through them and the promise of a warm reception on the other side.

No Excuses

I clearly am a terrible, terrible, blogger.  However, just like everything else in life, I'm going to try again, and maybe one day I will figure it out!

The past month or so has been pretty rough.  We had an unexpected phone call from a police officer just before Christmas.  It turns out we are being accused of stealing bank account information of a family member and using it to pay an insurance bill.  I won't go into more detail, mostly because I don't even have a lot of detail, but I know it isn't something we did, and that it's caused an earth shattering break in a family relationship that means the world to us.  To say the least, it's been very hard.  We normally would have spent Christmas with this part of the family, but didn't, which caused a lot of hurt all around.  We have submitted everything we possibly could to the detective to prove innocence, and it's been several weeks since we last heard from him, but there are still a lot of questions as to how it happened (since we know we didn't do it).

The stress of the situation caused me to have another severe episode with anxiety.  One that lasted a few weeks, and caused me to leave my full-time nanny position.  Leaving abruptly as I did left a lot of hurt feelings for the family I was working for, which I feel terrible about as I really grew to love them.  I received a blessing that assured me they would have good, consistent care for their sweet boys though, which helped me to let the related guilt go, if only just a little.

Oh, I guess my blog has been so far behind I should probably mention we moved to Columbus, OH for Matt's work in June of 2015.  It has been a tough move.  We are in a big ward, that is very friendly, on the surface.  Everyone has been very kind, but it seems like once Sunday is done most prefer to stay in their own world.  Friendships we have built in our previous wards have been so fantastic that it's been hard to feel so alone here.  I have become close with one sister in the ward, and am grateful for her friendship and willingness to put up with my neediness while I dealt with my anxiety while Matt was out of town for work.  It's been nice that the move has kept Matt in town a LOT more than he was before, but go figure when I needed him home the most is when he was scheduled out of town for a 3 week stretch.  In any case, I am thankful for Matt's job being so steady, since my employment has been anything but.

This post is more a quick update of where we are at life, and I'll blog about where that's taken me spiritually later.  For now I am searching for work opportunities that will allow me to deal with my anxiety as it arises without having to leave the job.  Prayers and leads are always welcomed!

Back at it

The following is a post I started over a year ago, in October of 2014, but never posted.  However, it is an important part of the last year of my life, so I'm going to share it now.  It wasn't complete, and I don't want to finish it now because I'm not sure how I was planning on finishing it a year ago, however, I will follow-up to it soon!

So, if you actually read the blog, you know about my blood transfusion in September, and my subsequent news that was far from what I wanted to hear.  Well, that week was just the tip of the iceberg.

After the blood transfusion in September, I had 2 follow-up iron infusions scheduled - the first one being October 10th.  I had the infusion, but didn't feel any change at all.  In fact, in less than a week after that I was feeling even worse.  By Thursday I was feeling some serious anxiety because of it and I was a complete wreck.  On Sunday the 19th I barely made it through Sacrament meeting at Church (and that was only because I had to accompany the choir) and we then decided to head over and see Matt's mom who is staying at his sister's house.  With her being an RN I trusted her opinion on what I should do, and by 3 we were headed to the emergency room.  My hemoglobin was ba ck down where it was a month ago (5.8) and this time I would receive 3 units of blood in the ER, and then be kept for "observation status" for at least a night.  Understandably so, my anxiety went through the roof staying at the hospital alone, and it was nearly impossible for me to know what was being caused by the physical problems, or what was the mental/emotional problems.  I saw a new GYN on Monday, who said the ultrasound they did the night before looked fine and she doesn't think there is a reason to jump to a hysterectomy.  At the time this irritated me more than anything because I was finally coming to terms with the previous thought - but later, after realizing she said my ultrasound was normal, it dawned on me that a miracle had occurred as it was my first normal ultrasound ever (in 15 years!).

Will I Be an Egg or Potato?

So, clearly, I am not very good at being a blogger.  I vow to be better.  Not because I really care if you read it or not, but because way back when, I was prompted to start this blog, and I need to follow through!  While a lot has happened in the past 14 months since I last blogged, I am not going to touch on that now.  I'm just too drawn to this Facebook meme I saw today:

We all have experiences, tests, trials, tribulations (and whatever else you would like to add here).  While none of us will ever go through the exact same thing, we are given similar experiences, tests, trials, tribulations and etc.  What's important is that we all have the opportunity to choose how we react to those experiences, tests, trials and tribulations.

One thing that has always aggravated me to my core, and I have striven my hardest to never do, is to blame my choices on my experiences, tests, trials, or tribulations.  When I hear people try to excuse choices that others have made, particularly poor choices, because of things they have endured, I want to scream!  Please understand, this does not mean I lack compassion for individuals and their circumstances (self-imposed or not).  I am far from having the compassion of the Lord, but I do strive to show compassion in all of my actions.  However, I think enabling is sometimes mistaken for compassion.  We enable and excuse poor choices because someone had a tough life or hard experience.  We think it's excusable they treat others poorly because of something that may have happened to them.  We excuse large concourses of people for living lives of crime because they grew up in poverty.  We allow those who were abused to abuse others.  It is a terrible, terrible, terrible cycle.   One that is like a record that keeps skipping, over, and over, and over, never allowing the music or message to progress.

As an individual, I need to progress.  As a nation, we need to progress.  As a people, we need to progress.  There is too much good that is being missed because we are allowing our circumstances to define us.  We are allowing our record to stay skipping, instead of fixing the needle and moving forward.  I write this post with a prayer in my heart that we will all choose to be better than what our circumstances allow.  That we will all choose to help each other up instead of fluffing the pillow that allows us to lay down and drown in our sorrows.  And that we choose to see the world, the entire world, in a better light than we currently do.

A Broken Heart & Shattered Dreams

If you follow my Facebook newsfeed you know that I have been having some serious medical issues lately.  I had some lab work done last week that brought to light the fact my hemoglobin was at a 5.2 (I should be at a 14-15).  I was scheduled for an emergency blood transfusion where I received two units.  Today was my follow-up appointment where I found it is still only up to a 7.1...so, I will need 2 iron infusions as well.  I assumed that would happen, is was what I was told next that was more of a shock to my core.

The reason behind my severe anemia is the gynecological problems I've been having for over a decade. The beating my body is taking with the low levels of blood are causing a high risk of more serious problems such as heart damage, heart attack, stroke, or other organ failure.  Because of this it is important to stop the problem ASAP.  How?  A hysterectomy.  Something I've been avoiding for a long time because I want so badly to have children of my own, but something I can't avoid anymore without risking my own life.  I have been feeling that it was approaching this for several months now, but it didn't make the blow any less hard today.  I feel like my dreams have been taken away from me and I don't know how to rebuild new ones.  I know there is foster care/adoption.   I was adopted and we have always planned on adopting.  We just didn't know until now that it would be the only way we will bring children into our home.

I know that this must be part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know that I can handle it if He did plan it for me...but at the same time I am not sure I will ever have the faith in my own strength as He does and I don't know how to cope.

Sometimes it's OK

Matt has been gone for work a lot lately and it's really starting to take its toll on me.  Between my PTSD/anxiety, and the other physical problems I have, it's really hard for me when he is not here.  After finding out he'll be gone another three weeks, I expressed my frustration on a Facebook post, and while I am positive all comments were meant well, most rubbed me a little wrong - and I've had to really think about why.  There is a school of thought, especially with church-goers, that everything must be daises, and I strongly disagree.  I think we beat ourselves up too often telling ourselves we aren't allowed to be sad and that's just crazy.  Should we wallow in our self-pity?  Should we kick, scream, and cry acting out like a toddler who didn't get their way?  Should we lash out at other's happiness?  Absolutely not!  But, does that mean we can't feel sad?  I really don't think so!  

I know it's good and important to focus on our blessings.  We would be extremely ungrateful for the wonderful gifts our Father in Heaven has given us if not.  However, in life there are things that happen, outside of our control, that are definite bummers.  Are we supposed to ignore them and pretend they don't happen?  Pretend they don't bother us?  Again, I really don't think so.  I did that, for a lot of years, about the abuse - and it sent me to a place that wasn't good.  It set me back in my spiritual growth, as well as causing issues with my physical/mental self.  Since then, I've resolved not to let that happen.  Not to let people make me feel like I shouldn't ever talk about the bummers in life. 

So, while I know comments are meant well, I think we should think before we speak.  Instead of always telling someone "chin up" or "I did this, you can too" or "look on the bright side", maybe an "I'm sorry this is hard for you" would be more appropriate.

Oh, and by the way...

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately.  I am not even sure if overwhelmed can explain it adequately.  In the last six months I have felt myself allow my testimony to dwindle.  I haven't stopped going to church, or fulfilling my callings, or committed any heinous sins.  I have just stopped doing the things that help me renew myself spiritually daily...like scripture study, prayer, and etc.  I have also found myself questioning my purpose.  Questioning if I've chosen the right path for myself.  Questioning where my worth is - if I have any. 

With all of this I have learned several things that I need to do to help me get where I need to be...and after a pure breakdown late last night, a Priesthood blessing from my husband (learn what that is here) and a lot of inspiration from my Heavenly Father I have come to realize I NEED to take one step at a time.  I am supposed to take one step at a time.  So many times I will look at all the things I am supposed to be doing and I'm not, and I will resolve I have to start doing all of them right NOW, and when I'm not there in like a week, I get overwhelmed again and just give up completely.  

So one step at a time it is...but I don't know how to do that.  So that's why I am blogging... I need help. And a lot of times when I get things out like this, they start to make a little more sense to me.  They start to take a shape.  So, feel free to read or not - they are more my thoughts out loud.  

I was talking to Matt after church today and I realized I need to set my priorities... I need to schedule my life. The conversation went a little like this:  
I have to work, not an option, and I have to eat and sleep.
I have to go to church, and by the way I have to prepare my lesson, and work on my public affairs calling...
and oh and by the way, I have to study my scriptures daily, and make time for personal prayer 
and oh and by the way, I need to study the Sunday School lesson I'm missing while teaching my class, as well as the lesson for Relief Society
and oh and by the way I was prompted to do Jamberry - so now I have to start building my business 
and oh and by the way I really need to focus on my health, and we need to find time to go to the gym
and I really would like to spend some time with my husband, and in the process I am hoping my house doesn't begin to look like a landfill.  

So, there it is... it's written....and I am leaving it there to come back to as I don't know what to do wtih it right now.  If anyone has any advice then please feel free to share :)  

A new year, a new year, year, a newwwwww year!

This is what cute Jenna has been chanting all morning... Strutting around in Ariel high heels and a sparkly pink tutu. 

I think we all think, at one point or another, 'ugh, a new year's resolution... Yet another goal I will give up on in a few short weeks.' This precise thought is the reason I stopped making them a few years ago. However, I still think it's important to set goals to better ourselves... Which is why I am making a New Me Resolution this year. I don't think that the current me is bad, but as always, there is some room for improvement. So, I have set 3 "new me" resolutions that I am working towards, this year, and always. With this, I have a list of items that will build each month to help me achieve the better me. The me I know The Lord has intended me to be. So, here it is, here is the list. Feel free to hold me accountable and ask me how things are going! I appreciate it and it helps me stay on track. 

I. Become more like Him

    January: Read/study my scriptures daily. 

II. Be a better wife

    January: write a love note to Matt everyday with a different reason I love him each day. It sometimes is so easy to focus on what is annoying rather than what is enamoring. 

III. Improve my physical well-being

   January: Join WeightWatchers and improve my eating habits. While I am hoping weight loss will be a result, I want to do it to treat the Temple I was given with more respect. After all, it's a blessing and should be treated as such. 

As the year continues I hope to build on each goal, instead of replacing it. So, in the next 365 days I hope and will strive to develop 36 habits that will help create a better me. 

Things as they may seem...

If you have been any part of my life recently, well really - in the last couple of years - you know that things haven't gone as one might have hoped for Matt and me.  After a major (self-created) trial and quite literally a nervous breakdown on my end  I left my full-time job which meant we had to leave our home and move in with family and then with friends - where we stayed for about 8 months.  It was really hard being a fairly new married couple and sharing our everyday lives with other adults.  Really hard.  Our marriage however was blessed for it.  We learned patience and compassion for each other that we hadn't yet developed.  We also learned how to stick together during tough times.  I personally grew as well - learning how to play nice (well I am at least better at it), increasing my compassion and desire to serve others, and developing a greater understanding and love for the Lord's hand in my life.

The following May we were prompted to take the leap and move from everyone we knew and loved and head to Ashland, Ohio.  We were excited as it meant Matt would no longer have a lengthy commute to work, and our good friends the Perdue's moved down there a few months prior.  What we didn't know is how the overall animosity towards the Church in the area would greatly impact our lives.  We really didn't have too many day-to-day struggles in this aspect, however we did lose both places we were renting in the area because of our faith.  When we left the first place after only 6 months it was hard, but I quickly could see the Lord's plan for us.  However, the second time, we were only in our place for 2-1/2 months and it was a major blow for me.  I quickly found deepening cracks in what I thought was a sure foundation.  Why did the Lord tell us to go there only to lose 2 homes?  Didn't He know how hard that was for me to deal with?  Then I received the gentle nudge from the Spirit, a sweet reminder of a Priesthood blessing I had received months ago...

Let's back up a moment:  On top of all of the moving pains, expenses, and overall drama that comes with it, I was having some major health problems.  I won't go into details but in the matter of weeks I had to have an iron transfusion, a D&C, and was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, although the exact diagnosis isn't known yet.  I was also having some mental health issues that led me to fear I inherited the schizophrenia my biological mother suffered from.  One particular weekend I remember really feeling like I was losing grip on reality and on Sunday I asked my husband and our home teacher to give me a blessing.  I was pretty sure that my HT didn't really know what was going on with my physical health and I was sure he didn't know about the mental health problems so asked him to give the blessing so I wouldn't allow myself to doubt the words were coming from the Spirit of the Lord.  The part of the blessing that stuck with me the most was a promise that the trials I was about to endure would be difficult, but in the end the blessings would be so sweet as to make the trials seem trivial.  At the specific time I was feeling so much fear that I didn't allow this sweet promise to comfort me, and it was placed in the back of my mind.  All I really processed at the time was that I was going to have some rough roads ahead.

Now fast forward - to just a couple of weeks ago when we lost yet another home and my foundation was starting to crumble.  That moment I felt the Spirit remind me of the sweet promise I had received months before.  As the Spirit over-whelmed me with comfort a verse from the Doctrine & Covenants came to mind.

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.  Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."    (D&C 121:7-9)

Now in no way do I compare my trials with those that the early saints endured, and definitely not those that the Prophet Joseph Smith endured, but at that moment I could see the big picture.  I could expand my focus and realize that as tough as things seem now, they really are nothing compared to the eternities of joy I will experience if I endure the trials now.  This truth has helped me change my perspective on our situations.  It has helped me to focus on the blessings which have made the trials so much easier to endure.  I'm not really ready to say "bring it on" but I know that all things are possible when I trust in the Lord.

I'm once again humbled, and grateful for the blessing of trials in my life.

Drum Roll Please...

.... I can no longer claim I never win anything, because I have won the

Thank you, Vickie, from The Selvage Edge for this award!  (Well, in truth, I received this award several months ago from my friend Stacy at Crawford Clan Weekly but was lame and never completed it!)  

So, in case you don't know how the Liebster award works, I'll pretend I do and explain it to you ;).  From my understanding it is a way for smaller blogs to get out there and gain some followers.  When nominated, you answer a series of question the nominator chooses to help readers get to know a little better.  You then choose a number of blogs you enjoy (with a small number of followers) and give them a series of questions to answer. So, here it goes...  

1.  What was the best job (paid or unpaid) that you ever had and why was it the best?

My best 'job' is a babysitter. Vickie mentioned she didn't think some people counted that, but honestly, I couldn't choose another one.  I LOVE kiddos and the opportunity to spend time with them.

2.  What is your favorite type of cookie?

I love ooey gooey chocolate chip cookies, but they need to be soft, but not super thick, and just a little chewy.

3.  What is your favorite thing to teach a child?  

That they are of royal lineage and are worth the world.

4.  What is your favorite book and why?

I'm cheating and giving two answers here as I have a favorite because it is the most valuable to me, and a favorite because it's my favorite to read.  The one that has been most valuable in my life is the Book of Mormon.  It has brought me closer to the Savior than any other book and has changed my life for the good forever.  My favorite to read is Jemima J by Jane Green.  It literally changed my personal outlook on life and on myself.  If you like to read, you should definitely check it out!  

5.  If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

I wouldn't.  I think one of the most beautiful things about the Plan of Salvation is the gift of agency we have been given - and I wouldn't chose to take that away from others.  Lame answer, I know - deal ;)

6.  If there is a nickname that your family uses for you, what is it and how did you get it?

My 'full' nickname is Lissy Louie - but as an adult it's been shortened to Lou, or Aunt Louie by my nieces and nephews.  When I was young my little sister Kim couldn't say my name, so she called me Lissy Louie - and it has stuck.

7.  What is the one song that without a doubt always puts you in a good mood?

You Are My Sunshine - I remember virtually nothing about my biological mother, and most of the things I have been told have been unpleasant, but I do remember the smell of vanilla and her singing this song

8.  What was your favorite vacation?

Several years ago my sister used her time-share points (or whatever) to get condos for the whole family in the mountains near Gatlinburg, TN.  It was amazing and the first time we had all been together for something other than a funeral in several years. 

9.  Excluding Jesus, who is your favorite historical figure and why?

Joseph Smith - the strength of character he showed inspires me when times are hard.  

10.  What is your favorite characteristic in your spouse?

His patience.  It's at times beyond what I think is humanly possible!  

And the nominees are:

Leann from The Adventures of Dave & Leann

Jenn from Dancing in the Rain

& Angela from Abstinence and the City

and I'm lame, and am going to copy Vickie's questions (mostly because I like them!)

My shoes...

One thing I have learned since my initial struggle with anxiety and depression has started is that no matter how hard I would have tried I could have never really understood what another person was going through until experiencing it myself.  Never.  With that being said, I know our Father in Heaven has a plan of happiness for each of us.  I know He wants us each to be happy.  I also know that depression is a very real trial that some are given - not because of sin - but because of a need for growth.  Growth we are all in need of. We are each given our own trials to help us grow and become more like the Savior, and closer to our Father in Heaven. Some trials are a single occurrence that we make it through, (hopefully) learn from, and (eventually) move past. Other trials are more long lasting.  Things we struggle with for long periods of time, sometimes for a lifetime.

For me (and many others), depression and anxiety are trials that I have to deal with in the long-term.  My bouts with these trials are not because I'm straying from the things I know to be right, but because I have a physical ailment that keeps my brain from functioning properly to allow me the choice to be happy.  Thankfully, modern medicine has developed pharmaceuticals that can work to correct this imbalance, much like they've created them for other diseases.  While it often can take several months and trial and error with different medications and different doses, the results can be extremely helpful when the right prescription(s) is found.  I was blessed that when I sought help from my doctor, she recognized the depression was a result of the general anxiety disorder/PTSD and she knew what prescription would be right for me.  I have been on the medication for almost two years, and have had very good results with it.

A few weeks ago I had about 10 days where I was without the medication.  It resulted in quite literally the worst week or so of my life.  I would wake up in the morning with this pit in my stomach that made me want to die.  Literally, death was something I wished for.  No matter how much I prayed, cried, read, or pleaded - the feeling was still there. A deep feeling of despair that loomed over me through everything I did.   I was also dealing with more anxiety attacks in a day than I had in the previous six months combined. I would get short of breath, my stomach would start to turn, and I was extremely afraid - but I didn't know of what.  The room would often spin, and at times I felt like I was having a break from reality.  A day dream that felt real, and that I couldn't get out of no matter how hard I tried.  During these times I was not doing anything that deemed me unworthy to feel the Spirit, but it felt nearly impossible to do.  Matt called upon the power of the Priesthood to give me a blessing of comfort.  However, instead of a release from the trial, I was told it was something I had to bear, but it would strengthen me in the end.  This was the point where I felt the despair might swallow me whole.  For the first time in my life, even after struggling with depression for over two years, I had a glimpse of understanding as to why some feel suicide is the only option.

Thankfully it was only a couple days later that I was able to get back onto my medication - and I was blessed that in only two days I was feeling noticeably better.  It's been about two weeks since I've been back on my medication and while I am still dealing with daily anxiety attacks life is much more manageable and is continually getting better.

Now, why the blog post?  One of the other things I was told is to share my experience whenever prompted to do so.  One thing I've learned the most from my experiences the last couple of years is how ignorant most people are to the validity and severity of depression.  It is not something that someone can just 'get over'.  When a person struggles with depression, they literally no longer have the choice to be happy at any given time.  We should never assume it's because a person is making bad choices, or choosing not to be happy.  We should also never assume we understand what they are going through.  As with all things, we should comfort, lift, and support - not judge, demean, or lecture.

As a side note - there are some excellent articles by general authorities on LDS.org that can shed light for both those suffering and those who know & care for someone suffering.  I've linked a couple of my favorites below.
Myths on Mental Illness
Broken Things to Mend

I am blessed!

WOW! So much has happened since the last time I posted.  This is the first time I've actually sat down for more than a short period of time in seriously probably 6 weeks.  It feels so good, but I really shouldn't be doing it...oh well!

I should probably cover my medical situation first for those that have been asking and I haven't had time to respond to.  I've been going through a series of tests for three different problems.  I had blood work come positive for ANA - which means I have some sort of autoimmune disease, but I don't yet know which one.  My family doctor's best guess is Lupus, but I go to a rheumatologist on July 5th to start a new series of diagnostic tests.

The second problem is the crappy menstrual cycle I've had forever.  It seems to be more out of control than it has ever been.  I have PCOS and endometreosis, but have had problems beyond even those lately.  They found a mass on my uterus so yesterday I went in for a DNC and to have the mass biopsied.  I get those results on June 12th.

The third problem is related to the 2nd... but I am severely anemic and Vitamin D deficient. I have been on a mega dose of ferrous sulfate multiple times a day for a little while now, with no luck... so this Monday, and again 2 weeks after that, I have to go in for Iron transfusions - yippee!!  I'm also on a large (50,000 iu) of Vitamin D once a week for the next 16 weeks.  I guess generally it's only done for 8 weeks, but I was so low she wants to double the time.  Then I'll go in for more blood work to see if the transfusions and etc. helped.

In other news, Matt received a new job and today is his last day at Ashland University.  The job there was a huge blessing in our lives, but it is definitely time for him to move on to better things.  A few select people have put forth their best effort to make his last week crappy ~ but he's doing his best to enjoy his last few hours there.  I will still attend the university to finish my degree (and btw...I made Dean's list again!!), but will have to pay  for it now....so hoping for a lot of grant money!

We are moving into a new place next week.  It's a SMALL apartment in a horse barn but will allow us to save a ton of money.  We are still in search of a home to buy, but wanted to stop mooching off others in the mean time so are renting this place month-to-month.  In the mean time we have been helping my in-laws get ready to move into their new house.  They bought a foreclosed home and are basically having to gut it.  I have been watching Sofia & Noah during the day, and Matt used his vacation time and evenings to help at the new house.  It's been crazy busy, but fun and really worth it.  I love how the Lord works through service.  I love how much I have been able to grow to appreciate things that I couldn't see before.

I'm sure there's a ton I'm missing - but alas, duty calls.  We are headed back to the apartment to do the last bit of cleaning and wait for the kids to get off the bus.  Then they are officially out of the apartment!

I've appreciated and felt all of the prayers on my behalf!

Be Still, and Know that I am God

I want to thank those who left supportive comments on my last blog post, that has since been deleted.  I moved it over to my journal, where it won't be for public consumption.  Mostly because I don't want to give this blog that tone. 

With that being said ~ I would much rather share the lesson I am learning from the trials I so openly complained about.  On Sunday evening I was at my ropes end.  There is a blessing that we've been promised, that we are waiting on.  The blessing is actually what's causing us a delay in our housing situation, and is causing some hardships financially.  Without going into too many details - the path we have been prompted to be on, that leads to this blessing, has been completely faith based, and quite frankly completely against my normal practices or what makes sense' on paper.  However, we've been prayerful, and have received clear answers as to what to do (in most cases) and have done our best to follow those promptings. Even so, the road has been bumpy, and the other stressful events in our lives have made the bumpy road feel treacherous.  

So, back to Sunday evening.  During our couples prayer I started to lose it, but then during my personal prayer I really lost it.  I really felt like I couldn't take it anymore.  The tears thankfully helped me sleep through the night, and when I woke up I had the most peaceful feeling I've had in months.  As I was laying in bed, awake half an hour before the alarm would go off, I pondered the feelings that were so overwhelming at the time.  The words impressed on my mind, over and over, were "Be still, and know that I am God".  It seemed like such a simple answer, but exactly what I needed to hear.  Exactly.  It gave me the most peaceful, calm feeling that has lasted for days.  

I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who is all knowing, and all powerful.  Who has all things under His control, but still allows us to use our agency.  I am thankful that when we follow His promptings, we are promised that He will provide and take care of us.  Maybe not in the way, or time frame, we hope for...but His way, and His timing is always better than we could ever hope for anyhow.  

A new battery pack, please...

That's what I need to keep going.  My schedule this semester, along with Church responsibilities, work, and family drama, is draining me.  I have a few posts floating in my head, but haven't had long enough to sit down and write them.  After I do the stake newsletter and finish the next two weeks of classes maybe...spring break, can't come soon enough!

Don't judge me because I sin differently than you.

In last April's conference President Uchtdorf shared a bumper sticker he had seen on the highway ~ "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you".  It's such a wonderful way to remind us all that not a single one of us is sin free.  We all make mistakes.  We are all sinners.  Yet we are all very good at deciding other's sins are worse than our own.  I once heard a sister talk in a Relief Society lesson on how her 'machines' get a rest on the Sabbath as well (I think the example used was the dishwasher).  Then that evening she posted on Facebook about all the cooking and baking she had done that afternoon with her free time.  There was another time when a brother was talking about how he wouldn't condone the actions of those that would duck out and go to McDonald's during Sunday School, as he was watching a movie that evening.  Now let me be clear - I have done all of these things on the Sabbath, so I am not judging or condemning anyone for their actions.  They are just recent events that have really helped me to focus in on how we are all unintentional hypocrites - myself included.  

This realization has helped me really know what my spiritual new year's resolution needs to be.  I have a strong desire, and need, to stop judging people as if I'm free of sin.  Clearly I'm not, and I'm all too aware of that.  However, when I look at others, I tend to somehow think my sins aren't as 'bad' or 'serious' as theirs.  Which quite frankly, is crap. We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We will all be judged in our own time, for our own action and desires, but the most important thing is that it will be by the Lord.  The only one worthy of doing so as He truly was the only one who could walk this earth in perfection.  

So my desire is to see everyone as the Lord sees them.  To see them as children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Not just those I have relationships with, but everyone.  People I pass on campus, or have class with.  Those I see at the store or work for.  I want to see them as the Lord sees them, and in turn, learn to love them as the Lord loves them.  

Waiting for the straw...

...you know it, the proverbial one, the one that broke the camel's back?  I can feel it coming and at this point I am just waiting to see what form the straw comes in.  Blech.

The past couple of months have been extremely hard.  Extremely.  It isn't even so much that there has been a ton of earth shattering events, especially in comparison to some of my previous experiences, but there has been a lot of events - one right after the other - that have caused some serious stress.

I already mentioned my dad's surgery in my last post, but it has already gotten worse.  They moved him in a nursing home and after being there for 2 days there was a serious complication and he had another major surgery.  The stupid nursing home did not follow the surgeon's orders, at all.  They were taking him out of his room in a wheelchair for PT that wasn't ordered (and they were instructed not to take him out of bed for anything basically).  They didn't properly set the leg on the pillows as needed.  And to top it all off they put him in a bed too short for him to lay straight.  The man just had a serious surgery in which a lot of his tissue/bone surrounding his hip & pelvic were removed - I mean really, do the staff in nursing homes go through the same schooling as everyone else?  Well the temporary hip joint (made from antibiotic cement, or something like that) popped completely out and they had to take him back into Cleveland for surgery.  This time they had to do the full replacement because they knew his heart/lungs wouldn't make it through a third surgery.  Nothing like doing a major surgery not knowing if a life threatening infection is gone or not....

On September 17th my uncle Delbert (my mom's brother) committed suicide.  No warning, note, reasoning, or anything.  He just went out in the yard and that was it.  My aunt (who was inside) didn't even realize it until  the neighbors found him.  To make an awful situation worse, my mom called yesterday to tell me my cousin David (Delbert's son) took his own life on Monday evening.  There were notes this time, but the Sheriff had them and my mom didn't know what was in them.  Besides these being horrific events in themselves, they also drudge up awful memories surrounding my brother's suicide.  Oh how I miss him.

As if enough hasn't been going on, my landlords are trying to get us out.  I really feel like it is because of our religion.  Of course that hasn't been said directly, but their total attitude changed with us after knowing what faith we are.  The worst part is the ploy they are using is that we are planning on bringing in foster children and the lease says we have to have permission for additional tenants (and basically they wouldn't approve foster children).  This is wrong on SO many levels!  1)  Legally they are full of it, and we know they can't actually evict us for it, but who wants to live in that atmosphere (especially since they living behind us).  2) We talked to them before we ever signed a lease about our desire to be foster parents and they were THRILLED.  They told us about their experiences as foster parents and asked about our classes and etc. So, we are meeting with them tomorrow night.  We've prayed about it a lot and are just going to tell them that if they really have ill feelings towards it they need to give us time to find a new place and let us out of the lease.  I don't want to leave in an atmosphere of contention.

Add in my normal crazy school schedule, work, and my church callings and this girl is emotionally and physically spent.  I really feel like if just one more thing happens I'm going to crack.

FAT - Frustration, Anxiety, Tension

So the acronym is actually from a workshop on learning disabilities that I watched in one of my classes a few weeks ago, but it just seemed to fit my state of being right now all too well.  I'm so very frustrated, and blogging is about the only thing I can do about it right now - so plan to 'hear' a lot if you continue reading!

If you know the family situation I've dealt with, you also know how difficult it has been for me to start rebuilding a relationship with my parents.  However, I've been doing it - with the support of an amazing husband by my side and love of a Father in Heaven and Savior to hold me up when Matt isn't quite enough.  On Tuesday of this week my dad was scheduled for a hip replacement of his hip replacement.  He had one several years ago and about 14 months ago something unexplicably started causing him severe pain.  Pain to the point he wasn't able to walk without aide, and eventually wasn't able to walk at all.  This has caused serious strains on my parents for the last year as it was extremely difficult for him to leave the house, and he couldn't be left alone for very long which tied my mom down to the house.  All of that on top of the shear pain he felt on almost a constant basis.

After countless appointments with specialists they could not pin point what was causing the pain so about 2 months ago they decided it would be necessary to go in and remove the initial hip replacement, and do a new replacement.  That was scheduled for this past Tuesday.  The surgery started around 4:30 and what should have been 4 hours, was actually 7 hours, and the replacement wasn't done at all.  When they got in there they found out infection had spread all over his hip, joints, pelvic bone and into his leg.  They spent 7 hours draining infection and removing bone and flesh.  They want to send him home Monday but he cannot put any weight at all on the leg (for obvious reasons) and will be on an IV antibiotic for 6 weeks.  2 weeks after that they will go in an be sure the infection really is gone, and if it is, they can then start rebuilding the pelvic bone and replace the hip.

When my mom was telling me all of this my heart sank.  If you know anything about infection, you know how serious it is and that it could still potentially take his life.  To top it all off my sister Lisa came up to see him (which is great) but because of her crappy attitude (or whatever) I now can't even go up and see him if she's going to be there.  It was so bad my mom went into the bathroom to call me this morning! In her own house!  UGH!  Why her and Keith feel like they are victims in all of this and have a right to be upset with me is beyond my comprehension.  The only people they are victims of are their own crappy self-serving attitudes.

So that's where I'm at today.  Frustration over Keith and Lisa and their holier-than-thou positions that continue to impact me.  Anxiety over the seriousness of the situation medically and the potential outcomes. And tension, good ol' tension - so thick I feel like I am drowning in it and not quite sure how to escape it right now.

Inspiration

I am so thankful for inspiration from God given to us through the Holy Ghost.  So very thankful.  Last August I was in a terrible spot.  Through prayer we decided I would quit my job.  We had no plan, we just knew I wouldn't be going back to work.  If you know me you know how important having a plan is to me.  I don't do things spontaneously.  I don't make small decisions on a whim, let alone life changing ones.  At that time it didn't matter though.  I knew the answer we received was from God, and that's all I needed at the time.  

Within a month we knew that I should start my own cleaning business.  I had done it part time before and had been successful, and I love to clean.  It would also allow me to avoid working with others.  Not that I don't like other people, but I don't like them in competitive work environments that brings out the best worst.  We worked on creating a business name & logo, and had fliers and business cards printed.  Then my friend Amanda and I started pounding pavement handing out fliers.  I had a couple of one-time jobs, but nothing was catching.  I didn't get it.  We were following what we were inspired to do.  We were running out of money, and quick.  What were we going to do?  Then the phone call came.  My friend's 9 year old was at Rainbow Babies with an extremely debilitating illness that they couldn't diagnose and treatment wasn't helping.  Then I had my answer.  This is why nothing had picked up.  This is what the Lord needs me to do.  I spent the next several weeks helping at the hospital.  Taking shifts so mom could sleep (or pretend to) at the hospital, or babysitting the other kids while dad worked and other things that needed done so mom and dad could focus on the more important things.  Within a couple weeks of the sweet girl coming home from the hospital I received two regular cleaning jobs along with quite a few deep cleaning jobs.  What a blessing that was, and I have no doubt it was all in the Lord's plan.  

After I was getting into a good routine we had another prompting.  Well, I had the prompting a few times, but was getting really good at ignoring it.  So then the prompting was given to Matt - and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I was to go back to school.  Not just that I was to go back to school...but I was to change my major to Early Childhood Education, we were to move to Ashland, and that was that.  Crazy, right?  I thought so.  I am not very far from finishing my Accounting degree, so why start all over?  The move was a shock because we've prayed about making the move a few times, and were always told to stay put.  So now that we weren't praying to move, we were being told to - go figure ;).  

So...fast forward a few months.  I started school in May and completed 14 credit hours over the summer.  I'm about 5 weeks into the fall semester and loving it.   However, the money situation is still pretty tight, and my cleaning jobs were becoming scarce again.  Then in August I was pursuing a part-time job at the university that really seemed to be the answer to our financial bind.  After praying about it though, we realized it wasn't in the Lord's plan for us.  I was so confused, but remember the distinct impression to be prepared to serve.  Within a couple of weeks I again knew what that answer meant and I am currently serving on the Stake Public Affairs Committee, as a Cub Scout Den Leader (with Matt), and also as the ward Organist, Primary Pianist & Choir Accompanist.  I love to serve, and I was sure glad I listened to the prompting on preparing to serve!  Oh, and if you have read this entire post and still haven't seen how serving the Lord can bless us in enumerable ways ~ within a very SHORT time of receiving the last 3 callings, I picked up 2 more regular cleaning jobs and 1 one time job.  Isn't the Lord awesome!  

Which brings me to today...as much as I have loved being back in school, I still question why and if it's really right.  This morning I had my first classroom observation.  I went into a high school math teacher's room and just observed for two hours.  It gave me so many insights into teaching I hadn't had as a student.  Afterwards I had to give a literature presentation.  I had to stand in front of my 16 classmates, treat them as if they were elementary students, and read a book to them and have an activity planned out as well.  I was SO nervous.  After the lesson though the teacher gushed, which felt really good.  She told me that I was most certainly on the right career path and that I did a phenomenal job!  WOW!  I don't say that to brag (well, maybe a little) but mostly because without knowing it the Lord used her to help calm my fear and doubt.  After the presentation I had a meeting with my academic adviser to see how long it was going to take me to get my degree.  Because I was transferring from a business major, I was way behind and I was pretty sure it would take me another 3 years to finish.  3 years has just seemed like too much for me.  Too long for a lot of reasons I won't go into - but just know, it felt too long for me to handle.  The academic adviser was great and he told me he is checking with someone about getting an exception for me that would allow me to take a group of 3 classes together, rather than having to take 1 of the 3 classes as a prereq for the other 2.  If he gets the exception, I will be done in 2 years!  I will graduate in Dec. of 2014!  I was SO thrilled to hear that, and it just felt RIGHT.  

So at the moment I am thankful.  Thankful for the still small voice that prompts me so I know what the Lord's plan is for me.  So I know what my Father in Heaven has in store for me.  So I know how to stay on the path that will help my family & me the most.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to have a sure knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, a brother who gave His life for me, and the gift of the Holy Ghost so I can communicate with them.  

If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that this blog has been based on inspiration. This post is as well, more so than normal, if possible. The reason is I have been boldly instructed to share this information, my experiences, with someone else. The problem being, I have no idea who that person is. So, for now my blog is open again, and I am hoping if you feel inspired to share this with someone else, you will. As previously mentioned I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression. It's a scary, hard, awful, thing. Something that I am afraid is going to swallow me whole sometimes.

This past Thursday I found that I was once again placed in a deep pit of despair. We woke up as normal and were doing our scripture study. We had finished and were starting to work on our budget. My chest started to tighten and I felt like my stomach became a bottomless pit. I felt fear. Real, tangible fear. The feeling was so overwhelming I didn't even know what to do next. I then proceeded to be sick. I barely made it to the restroom and needed the trash can as well. I'm sorry if that was tmi, but I feel it necessary to paint the picture. This went on for over half an hour. Matt had called a good friend to come over and they gave me a blessing. The blessing was interesting to me for several reasons. One was that I was told the reason I experience this trial is so that I can share my experiences with other. Another was I was silently praying in my head during the blessing. Not something I make a habit out of, but I had a lot of questions. As soon as one question escaped my mind, the answer came verbally in the blessing through Greg. It felt as if I was having a conversation directly with my Father in Heaven. I mean, I know that through prayers and blessings we are hearing from Him, but this was different. This felt as if I was sitting at His feet asking questions and He was answering. I never in my life had such a real life witness that I was the daughter of a King.

Matt ended up needing to take a sick day on Thursday to look after me. Friday morning was really tough again, but I had a cleaning job that I had to go to. Before I dropped Matt off at work he gave me another blessing, this time one of comfort. During the blessing I was given this sweet, tender mercy, from my Father in Heaven. He gave me this very specific action I could do when things started to get overwhelming for me during the day. It was simply placing my right index finger on my left cheek. Simple, right? Yet so hard. Hard to have enough faith to know that such a simple thing could fix the problem. Even if the fix was only temporary (the blessing even stated it would only work that day). It did work though. Not only did it calm me when needed, it further testified to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. And while some trials require long-suffering, He loves us enough to give us reprieve in our darkest hours.

Another knowledge I was blessed with through the specific trials this weekend is that our Savior suffered this too. I have been taught, and thought I understood, that through the Atonement the Savior felt every pain, sorrow, and heartache we could ever fill, I don't think it ever sunk into me that it includes anxiety and depression. This "lightbulb" gave me sweet assurance that I can do this. The Savior did this, He felt this, so that I would know I can do this. There's more I could share, but I feel like this is all I needed to share at this time. I do want to reiterate that if you, or anyone you know, can benefit from this post please pass it on. Pass my contact information on as well. It can be scary, but talking about things like this with people who have experienced it can help. With that being said, I'm including a video that discusses it and has helped me immensely.

Enduring it Well

Forgiveness

I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness. I am thankful I have been able to repent of my transgressions and receive forgiveness from my Father in Heaven and those I have offended. However, it appears those who have no weight in the matter have decided I am not worthy of the forgiveness and are using this blog against me. Due to this, I have decided to make the blog private even though it is going against the distinct purpose of this blog. If you would like access to the blog, please send me the e-mail address you use with blogger so I can add you to the list. I will go private by the end of this week, and in the mean time have hidden the other posts. I truly hope that most of you will request an invite and continue to follow the blog!