Hallelujah

I absolutely love this song, and these three girls gave me goose bumps so I thought I would share it! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

I Love to See the Temple

I love to be able to attend the Temple. I love to be able to feel the Spirit so strong I feel like I must burst. I love to know that when I walk within those doors I am completely safe. Completely safe from all forms of abuse and negativity. I love that I can feel so close to our Father in Heaven and Savior there. I love that I can receive special answers to prayers there. I've been considering a part-time position at the University to help with our financial bind. It would only be 12 hours a week, but paid well enough that it would cover our rent every month. The problem is that it would mean I would be able to attend Cub Scouts on Wednesday evenings, and I could no longer consider working at the Temple with Matt again because I would have to work every Saturday morning. The position really did seem ideal to help our financial situation, but after receiving such sweet answers to my prayers I know now that it is not the answer. What I am to do is to devote the next few weeks off of school on my current callings, and to prepare to receive more assignments from the Lord. Right now we are serving on the Stake Public Affairs committee as Social Media Specialists (we are primarily responsible for the Stake Newsletter and FB page) and as Cub Scout Den Leaders over the Wolf Pack. I have also received a third calling within the ward, but haven't been sustained yet so can't divulge what that is quite yet. I'm quite excited for our current callings because they both challenge me greatly but appeal to the organizational and crafty sides of me that I enjoy using. I also received inspiration to talk to Bishop Yates about serving in the Temple again. I was hesitant before, but now know that is what the Lord wants me to do. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am thankful for a knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I comprehend, and a Savior that was willing to suffer for my sins and lay his life down for me. I am thankful for continuing revelation and that I can receive answers to my prayers.

Death & Closure

I am recommitting myself to this blog - for real this time! I was able to reread a lot of the posts and the Spirit once again confirmed to me that I MUST do this. I also realized that by slacking I missed out on some neat posts that would have helped me now and now I only have distant memories of the testimony gained, rather than a powerful reminder. My grandmother passed away earlier this month. That's the second grandmother I've lost this year, and my last living grandparent (out of 8 - 4 of which I knew and had relationships with). There was quite an experience at the funeral, but I think I need to post more about my family situation first. In August 2007 my entire world officially fell apart. There was reason to believe my niece had been sexually abused as well, so we immediately had to action. My little sister's relationship with the rest of the family has always been strained, so we knew if the information about what happened to us came from her it likely wouldn't be heard. So I started with a call to my oldest sister Lisa, mainly because my niece was on the way to her house in KY with my parents when my little sister Kim called to tell me the things my niece had mentioned to her. From there my sister told my brother Keith in CO and my sister Michelle who lived near Cleveland. At first they were all very supportive and wanted to do what they could to help, until we didn't do things on their terms. At the time I was living with my parents, so I needed time to move out first (3 weeks was all I was asking for). While I'm not sure what transpired with them, I do know they tried to confront my dad behind our backs (I mean really, it didn't happen to YOU, what makes you think it's YOUR right!?!). Thankfully my mom mentioned something to me in passing that led me to figure out their plan and we were able to stop that from happening. In the mean time my sister had talked to a therapist and he had to report it to children's services. Within a couple of days of me moving out they made a home visit to my parents about the accusations. From there all hell broke loose and I've not been able to contact any of my nieces and nephews since. My sister Lisa and brother Keith basically refuse to acknowledge my existence, but now, after years, my sister Michelle will still have chit-chat conversations with me via Facebook. The things that have happened since with my nieces and nephews (1 of which I haven't met) have made my heart ache wanting to reach out to them and help, hug, kiss and just love them. Now fast forward. My Grandma Schultz ("granny haha") has been suffering from cancer for years. Within the last few months she's worsened and she was moved into hospice earlier this summer. A few weeks ago, at the age of 97, she finally gave up the battle and left this earth. It really was the best thing for her body that became so increasingly frail. When the entire family drama happened years ago, Grandma Schultz was one of the family members to cut us off because of what we 'accused' her son of. Having been close to her prior to that though, Kim and I both wanted to show our respects and attend the funeral. I had talked to my mom about it and she was sure nobody would cause drama for me, but she couldn't promise the same from Kim. While we don't know for sure what has been said, we've assumed most of the "blame" has been put on Kim because of our different reputations within the family. We got to the funeral home early, and when we walked in only my parents and my cousin and his girlfriend were there. I think my cousin felt the tension because they quickly went into the other room. At that point my dad turned around and called my sister a name and told her that she had a lot of nerve being there. He kept running at the mouth while me and mom both tried to get him to stop but it didn't work. I started to walk away as my sister ran crying from the room, but something came over me. I turned around and bent down so I was right in front of his face and said "You will pay for eternity for what you did. You don't need to be concerned with her nerve." I was then told to leave too (which I would have anyhow) and grabbed Matt and Kim and we headed to the parking lot. I can't begin to explain the huge weight that was relieved from my shoulders when I walked out of that funeral home. I was seriously GIDDY the entire day. After a lot of therapy, prayer, and practice I had learned to forgive my dad for what he did, but I never really had that feeling of closure. After saying that to him, in front of my mom, I finally felt that since of closure and peace. Afterwards my mom left me and Kim a voicemail apologizing for what happened, and my sister Michelle sent us messages after she found out what happened. I knew it wasn't their faults and they couldn't control it, but it was nice to hear someone else recognize that what he did at the funeral was wrong. I know that from an eternal perspective things will be taken care of, and honestly, that's all that matters to me....but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it would feel really good if someone would just say they believe me and know I wouldn't lie about something so horrific.

I'm a slacker.

So clearly I didn't keep my promise of posting 6 months ago! Agh! So a quick run down of what's happened over the last 10 months: August 2011 - I left my job. It was by choice, and they really wanted/needed me to stay, but my mental health was anything but healthy and I knew I needed time to heal. After prayer and careful consideration I left my job, and we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and left our home. We stayed with Matt's mom for almost 3 months, and then with dear friends for another six months. I started my own cleaning business, that really didn't pick up immediately - just a few one-time jobs. Then, in October, tragedy struck the family of a dear friend when her 9 year old went into the hospital with an unknown illness. Thankfully, my lack of employment allowed me to help the family in various ways, which included being on "night duty" at the hospital so mom could sleep. 8-1/2 weeks later, the dear thing was able to go home and now, several months later, she has almost no signs of the awful disease that disabled her mind and body for such an awful amount of time. After the hospital stays were done it was like a light switch flipped for my business and I now have 4 full-time clients. We would really benefit if I could pick up one or two more clients, but we are extremely blessed by the ones I currently have. In January '12 we decided to pray one more time about moving to Ashland, and this time it was a yes. It was not only a yes to move, but a yes for me to go back to school full-time starting in May. So, that's where I'm at now. I have 5 classes this summer and am loving being back in school (surprisingly enough). I am hoping to keep the fast pace up and be able to complete my degree in Early Childhood Education within 3 years. We have a beautiful rental home that was new construction that we just adore. If money were no object I would have run up the national debt decorating the place because of how much I love it! Unfortunately (and thankfully) we are broke - as broke as ever - so we are learning to do without our wants, and for now, a few of the less important needs. It has really helped to humble both of us and I think we are finally both in a place where we are totally committed to being fiscally responsible (something we've failed at in our marriage so far). During the move I lost my prescription of Lexapro, so I went without it for a little over two weeks. It was good in a way because I learned I cannot go off of it, at least not quite yet...but I also learned that if I did have to, I would be OK (just not great). Once we found it I went back on it just every other day until I can afford to go back to the doctor to have the prescription renewed (as this was my last refill since she wanted to maybe take me off after 6 months). So I think that is the short of it - there is definitely a much longer version of the events over the last several months, some of which I'll share as part of my spiritual growth, but I definitely won't bore you with all of the details. If anyone is still reading this, let me know :)

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I last posted on here, and I think it's because I've been too busy healing to share the process. So many extraordinary events have happened that have changed the course of my life (and Matt's life) forever. We truly are blessed and strengthened through our trials. I could have never grown the way I have in the past 4 months if it wasn't for the trials I have been blessed with. That's right, blessed with. If you currently don't see your trials as a blessing, try to. Pray to. Study the scriptures and words of the prophets. Ask for Priesthood blessings from someone with the proper authority. Do it. I can promise you that you will be a better person for it. I can promise if you can change your perspective and see your trials as blessings, that your life will be positively changed for eternity. I love the Lord. I love His Gospel. I love OUR Father in Heaven. I have a few posts, with more details, to follow in the next short while (meaning week or so) so if anyone is reading, please keep reading. I am excited to share with a prayer that if nothing else it will encourage you to know it's worth it, period. I love each of you, whoever you are.

Heartache

Today is my oldest nephew's 21st birthday, and I haven't been able to have a relationship with him for almost four years now. All of my nieces and nephews have always meant the world to me and the fact that I've been cut off from them makes my heart ache in ways I could have never imagined. I've had a post in the works for a little while now, one I'm honestly afraid to post because of the responsibility of the actions I need to take, especially after verbalizing them. So, for tonight, no uplifting lesson learned, just a sad heart, mourning the loss (hopefully temporary) of those children I love so deeply.

Father's Day

I will be honest - at this current time, I hate Father's Day. I mean, it's great that there is a day to celebrate those father's out there that keep those promises they made to be a good father. Unfortunately, I've had nothing but the opposite in my life. I was born to parents who really had no desire to actually raise children and by the time I was 3 I was given up for adoption so my father could continue to drink himself into oblivion. I was adopted into a family where both parents physically abused me and my adoptive father sexually abused me and my younger sister. Needless to say, I've had a hard time honoring fatherhood for quite some time and this morning was no different. I was on edge all morning, and unfortunately my husband took the brunt of it. I really had no desire to go to church because I knew it would be all these talks about fathers and how great they are and blah blah blah. However, I made a covenant with my Father in Heaven to be there, and I intended to keep it, no matter how hard it was this Sunday.

As anticipated, the talks were centered around great fathers that uplifted and supported their children, but the speakers focused more on our Father in Heaven than I have noticed speakers do during past Father's Day talks. I was so thankful for the Spirit that was felt and the way it gently reminded me I do have a Father that loves me, supports me, guides me, and blesses my life in innumerable ways. I am so thankful to have a loving Heavenly Father that has a perfect love for me. One who loved me so much that He gave His only begotten Son. A Son that suffered the Atonement for me, and felt all the pain and heartache that this life has thrown at me so I can have hope and be happy. I am so thankful for the knowledge I've been given of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth. A knowledge that allows me to have hope in even the hardest times. A knowledge that was given to me through my adopted parents. So, for this Father's day, I'm thankful for my adopted father who raised me in the gospel of Jesus Christ.