Heartache

Today is my oldest nephew's 21st birthday, and I haven't been able to have a relationship with him for almost four years now. All of my nieces and nephews have always meant the world to me and the fact that I've been cut off from them makes my heart ache in ways I could have never imagined. I've had a post in the works for a little while now, one I'm honestly afraid to post because of the responsibility of the actions I need to take, especially after verbalizing them. So, for tonight, no uplifting lesson learned, just a sad heart, mourning the loss (hopefully temporary) of those children I love so deeply.

Father's Day

I will be honest - at this current time, I hate Father's Day. I mean, it's great that there is a day to celebrate those father's out there that keep those promises they made to be a good father. Unfortunately, I've had nothing but the opposite in my life. I was born to parents who really had no desire to actually raise children and by the time I was 3 I was given up for adoption so my father could continue to drink himself into oblivion. I was adopted into a family where both parents physically abused me and my adoptive father sexually abused me and my younger sister. Needless to say, I've had a hard time honoring fatherhood for quite some time and this morning was no different. I was on edge all morning, and unfortunately my husband took the brunt of it. I really had no desire to go to church because I knew it would be all these talks about fathers and how great they are and blah blah blah. However, I made a covenant with my Father in Heaven to be there, and I intended to keep it, no matter how hard it was this Sunday.

As anticipated, the talks were centered around great fathers that uplifted and supported their children, but the speakers focused more on our Father in Heaven than I have noticed speakers do during past Father's Day talks. I was so thankful for the Spirit that was felt and the way it gently reminded me I do have a Father that loves me, supports me, guides me, and blesses my life in innumerable ways. I am so thankful to have a loving Heavenly Father that has a perfect love for me. One who loved me so much that He gave His only begotten Son. A Son that suffered the Atonement for me, and felt all the pain and heartache that this life has thrown at me so I can have hope and be happy. I am so thankful for the knowledge I've been given of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth. A knowledge that allows me to have hope in even the hardest times. A knowledge that was given to me through my adopted parents. So, for this Father's day, I'm thankful for my adopted father who raised me in the gospel of Jesus Christ.