Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Broken Heart & Shattered Dreams

If you follow my Facebook newsfeed you know that I have been having some serious medical issues lately.  I had some lab work done last week that brought to light the fact my hemoglobin was at a 5.2 (I should be at a 14-15).  I was scheduled for an emergency blood transfusion where I received two units.  Today was my follow-up appointment where I found it is still only up to a 7.1...so, I will need 2 iron infusions as well.  I assumed that would happen, is was what I was told next that was more of a shock to my core.

The reason behind my severe anemia is the gynecological problems I've been having for over a decade. The beating my body is taking with the low levels of blood are causing a high risk of more serious problems such as heart damage, heart attack, stroke, or other organ failure.  Because of this it is important to stop the problem ASAP.  How?  A hysterectomy.  Something I've been avoiding for a long time because I want so badly to have children of my own, but something I can't avoid anymore without risking my own life.  I have been feeling that it was approaching this for several months now, but it didn't make the blow any less hard today.  I feel like my dreams have been taken away from me and I don't know how to rebuild new ones.  I know there is foster care/adoption.   I was adopted and we have always planned on adopting.  We just didn't know until now that it would be the only way we will bring children into our home.

I know that this must be part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know that I can handle it if He did plan it for me...but at the same time I am not sure I will ever have the faith in my own strength as He does and I don't know how to cope.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Sometimes it's OK

Matt has been gone for work a lot lately and it's really starting to take its toll on me.  Between my PTSD/anxiety, and the other physical problems I have, it's really hard for me when he is not here.  After finding out he'll be gone another three weeks, I expressed my frustration on a Facebook post, and while I am positive all comments were meant well, most rubbed me a little wrong - and I've had to really think about why.  There is a school of thought, especially with church-goers, that everything must be daises, and I strongly disagree.  I think we beat ourselves up too often telling ourselves we aren't allowed to be sad and that's just crazy.  Should we wallow in our self-pity?  Should we kick, scream, and cry acting out like a toddler who didn't get their way?  Should we lash out at other's happiness?  Absolutely not!  But, does that mean we can't feel sad?  I really don't think so!  

I know it's good and important to focus on our blessings.  We would be extremely ungrateful for the wonderful gifts our Father in Heaven has given us if not.  However, in life there are things that happen, outside of our control, that are definite bummers.  Are we supposed to ignore them and pretend they don't happen?  Pretend they don't bother us?  Again, I really don't think so.  I did that, for a lot of years, about the abuse - and it sent me to a place that wasn't good.  It set me back in my spiritual growth, as well as causing issues with my physical/mental self.  Since then, I've resolved not to let that happen.  Not to let people make me feel like I shouldn't ever talk about the bummers in life. 

So, while I know comments are meant well, I think we should think before we speak.  Instead of always telling someone "chin up" or "I did this, you can too" or "look on the bright side", maybe an "I'm sorry this is hard for you" would be more appropriate.