Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Broken Heart & Shattered Dreams

If you follow my Facebook newsfeed you know that I have been having some serious medical issues lately.  I had some lab work done last week that brought to light the fact my hemoglobin was at a 5.2 (I should be at a 14-15).  I was scheduled for an emergency blood transfusion where I received two units.  Today was my follow-up appointment where I found it is still only up to a 7.1...so, I will need 2 iron infusions as well.  I assumed that would happen, is was what I was told next that was more of a shock to my core.

The reason behind my severe anemia is the gynecological problems I've been having for over a decade. The beating my body is taking with the low levels of blood are causing a high risk of more serious problems such as heart damage, heart attack, stroke, or other organ failure.  Because of this it is important to stop the problem ASAP.  How?  A hysterectomy.  Something I've been avoiding for a long time because I want so badly to have children of my own, but something I can't avoid anymore without risking my own life.  I have been feeling that it was approaching this for several months now, but it didn't make the blow any less hard today.  I feel like my dreams have been taken away from me and I don't know how to rebuild new ones.  I know there is foster care/adoption.   I was adopted and we have always planned on adopting.  We just didn't know until now that it would be the only way we will bring children into our home.

I know that this must be part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know that I can handle it if He did plan it for me...but at the same time I am not sure I will ever have the faith in my own strength as He does and I don't know how to cope.


  1. I love you. You're stronger than you'll ever know and will make the best mom ever!

  2. What Matt said. Only from me so it's more important;) I know this is hard. Especially since you've done everything right in making sure you would bring a child into a good loving home. It sucks and doesn't seem fair. And I say it's something to blow raspberrys over for quite awhile after this. And that's ok. Don't let anyone let you think it's not ok. But you are going to be a terrific mom. For the ones that need you here and your children in Heaven. I know that with every fiber of my being. I love you very much. If you need to punch someone.... I have a lot of sisters.