Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Love to See the Temple

I love to be able to attend the Temple. I love to be able to feel the Spirit so strong I feel like I must burst. I love to know that when I walk within those doors I am completely safe. Completely safe from all forms of abuse and negativity. I love that I can feel so close to our Father in Heaven and Savior there. I love that I can receive special answers to prayers there. I've been considering a part-time position at the University to help with our financial bind. It would only be 12 hours a week, but paid well enough that it would cover our rent every month. The problem is that it would mean I would be able to attend Cub Scouts on Wednesday evenings, and I could no longer consider working at the Temple with Matt again because I would have to work every Saturday morning. The position really did seem ideal to help our financial situation, but after receiving such sweet answers to my prayers I know now that it is not the answer. What I am to do is to devote the next few weeks off of school on my current callings, and to prepare to receive more assignments from the Lord. Right now we are serving on the Stake Public Affairs committee as Social Media Specialists (we are primarily responsible for the Stake Newsletter and FB page) and as Cub Scout Den Leaders over the Wolf Pack. I have also received a third calling within the ward, but haven't been sustained yet so can't divulge what that is quite yet. I'm quite excited for our current callings because they both challenge me greatly but appeal to the organizational and crafty sides of me that I enjoy using. I also received inspiration to talk to Bishop Yates about serving in the Temple again. I was hesitant before, but now know that is what the Lord wants me to do. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am thankful for a knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I comprehend, and a Savior that was willing to suffer for my sins and lay his life down for me. I am thankful for continuing revelation and that I can receive answers to my prayers.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Death & Closure

I am recommitting myself to this blog - for real this time! I was able to reread a lot of the posts and the Spirit once again confirmed to me that I MUST do this. I also realized that by slacking I missed out on some neat posts that would have helped me now and now I only have distant memories of the testimony gained, rather than a powerful reminder. My grandmother passed away earlier this month. That's the second grandmother I've lost this year, and my last living grandparent (out of 8 - 4 of which I knew and had relationships with). There was quite an experience at the funeral, but I think I need to post more about my family situation first. In August 2007 my entire world officially fell apart. There was reason to believe my niece had been sexually abused as well, so we immediately had to action. My little sister's relationship with the rest of the family has always been strained, so we knew if the information about what happened to us came from her it likely wouldn't be heard. So I started with a call to my oldest sister Lisa, mainly because my niece was on the way to her house in KY with my parents when my little sister Kim called to tell me the things my niece had mentioned to her. From there my sister told my brother Keith in CO and my sister Michelle who lived near Cleveland. At first they were all very supportive and wanted to do what they could to help, until we didn't do things on their terms. At the time I was living with my parents, so I needed time to move out first (3 weeks was all I was asking for). While I'm not sure what transpired with them, I do know they tried to confront my dad behind our backs (I mean really, it didn't happen to YOU, what makes you think it's YOUR right!?!). Thankfully my mom mentioned something to me in passing that led me to figure out their plan and we were able to stop that from happening. In the mean time my sister had talked to a therapist and he had to report it to children's services. Within a couple of days of me moving out they made a home visit to my parents about the accusations. From there all hell broke loose and I've not been able to contact any of my nieces and nephews since. My sister Lisa and brother Keith basically refuse to acknowledge my existence, but now, after years, my sister Michelle will still have chit-chat conversations with me via Facebook. The things that have happened since with my nieces and nephews (1 of which I haven't met) have made my heart ache wanting to reach out to them and help, hug, kiss and just love them. Now fast forward. My Grandma Schultz ("granny haha") has been suffering from cancer for years. Within the last few months she's worsened and she was moved into hospice earlier this summer. A few weeks ago, at the age of 97, she finally gave up the battle and left this earth. It really was the best thing for her body that became so increasingly frail. When the entire family drama happened years ago, Grandma Schultz was one of the family members to cut us off because of what we 'accused' her son of. Having been close to her prior to that though, Kim and I both wanted to show our respects and attend the funeral. I had talked to my mom about it and she was sure nobody would cause drama for me, but she couldn't promise the same from Kim. While we don't know for sure what has been said, we've assumed most of the "blame" has been put on Kim because of our different reputations within the family. We got to the funeral home early, and when we walked in only my parents and my cousin and his girlfriend were there. I think my cousin felt the tension because they quickly went into the other room. At that point my dad turned around and called my sister a name and told her that she had a lot of nerve being there. He kept running at the mouth while me and mom both tried to get him to stop but it didn't work. I started to walk away as my sister ran crying from the room, but something came over me. I turned around and bent down so I was right in front of his face and said "You will pay for eternity for what you did. You don't need to be concerned with her nerve." I was then told to leave too (which I would have anyhow) and grabbed Matt and Kim and we headed to the parking lot. I can't begin to explain the huge weight that was relieved from my shoulders when I walked out of that funeral home. I was seriously GIDDY the entire day. After a lot of therapy, prayer, and practice I had learned to forgive my dad for what he did, but I never really had that feeling of closure. After saying that to him, in front of my mom, I finally felt that since of closure and peace. Afterwards my mom left me and Kim a voicemail apologizing for what happened, and my sister Michelle sent us messages after she found out what happened. I knew it wasn't their faults and they couldn't control it, but it was nice to hear someone else recognize that what he did at the funeral was wrong. I know that from an eternal perspective things will be taken care of, and honestly, that's all that matters to me....but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it would feel really good if someone would just say they believe me and know I wouldn't lie about something so horrific.