Inspiration

I am so thankful for inspiration from God given to us through the Holy Ghost.  So very thankful.  Last August I was in a terrible spot.  Through prayer we decided I would quit my job.  We had no plan, we just knew I wouldn't be going back to work.  If you know me you know how important having a plan is to me.  I don't do things spontaneously.  I don't make small decisions on a whim, let alone life changing ones.  At that time it didn't matter though.  I knew the answer we received was from God, and that's all I needed at the time.  

Within a month we knew that I should start my own cleaning business.  I had done it part time before and had been successful, and I love to clean.  It would also allow me to avoid working with others.  Not that I don't like other people, but I don't like them in competitive work environments that brings out the best worst.  We worked on creating a business name & logo, and had fliers and business cards printed.  Then my friend Amanda and I started pounding pavement handing out fliers.  I had a couple of one-time jobs, but nothing was catching.  I didn't get it.  We were following what we were inspired to do.  We were running out of money, and quick.  What were we going to do?  Then the phone call came.  My friend's 9 year old was at Rainbow Babies with an extremely debilitating illness that they couldn't diagnose and treatment wasn't helping.  Then I had my answer.  This is why nothing had picked up.  This is what the Lord needs me to do.  I spent the next several weeks helping at the hospital.  Taking shifts so mom could sleep (or pretend to) at the hospital, or babysitting the other kids while dad worked and other things that needed done so mom and dad could focus on the more important things.  Within a couple weeks of the sweet girl coming home from the hospital I received two regular cleaning jobs along with quite a few deep cleaning jobs.  What a blessing that was, and I have no doubt it was all in the Lord's plan.  

After I was getting into a good routine we had another prompting.  Well, I had the prompting a few times, but was getting really good at ignoring it.  So then the prompting was given to Matt - and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I was to go back to school.  Not just that I was to go back to school...but I was to change my major to Early Childhood Education, we were to move to Ashland, and that was that.  Crazy, right?  I thought so.  I am not very far from finishing my Accounting degree, so why start all over?  The move was a shock because we've prayed about making the move a few times, and were always told to stay put.  So now that we weren't praying to move, we were being told to - go figure ;).  

So...fast forward a few months.  I started school in May and completed 14 credit hours over the summer.  I'm about 5 weeks into the fall semester and loving it.   However, the money situation is still pretty tight, and my cleaning jobs were becoming scarce again.  Then in August I was pursuing a part-time job at the university that really seemed to be the answer to our financial bind.  After praying about it though, we realized it wasn't in the Lord's plan for us.  I was so confused, but remember the distinct impression to be prepared to serve.  Within a couple of weeks I again knew what that answer meant and I am currently serving on the Stake Public Affairs Committee, as a Cub Scout Den Leader (with Matt), and also as the ward Organist, Primary Pianist & Choir Accompanist.  I love to serve, and I was sure glad I listened to the prompting on preparing to serve!  Oh, and if you have read this entire post and still haven't seen how serving the Lord can bless us in enumerable ways ~ within a very SHORT time of receiving the last 3 callings, I picked up 2 more regular cleaning jobs and 1 one time job.  Isn't the Lord awesome!  

Which brings me to today...as much as I have loved being back in school, I still question why and if it's really right.  This morning I had my first classroom observation.  I went into a high school math teacher's room and just observed for two hours.  It gave me so many insights into teaching I hadn't had as a student.  Afterwards I had to give a literature presentation.  I had to stand in front of my 16 classmates, treat them as if they were elementary students, and read a book to them and have an activity planned out as well.  I was SO nervous.  After the lesson though the teacher gushed, which felt really good.  She told me that I was most certainly on the right career path and that I did a phenomenal job!  WOW!  I don't say that to brag (well, maybe a little) but mostly because without knowing it the Lord used her to help calm my fear and doubt.  After the presentation I had a meeting with my academic adviser to see how long it was going to take me to get my degree.  Because I was transferring from a business major, I was way behind and I was pretty sure it would take me another 3 years to finish.  3 years has just seemed like too much for me.  Too long for a lot of reasons I won't go into - but just know, it felt too long for me to handle.  The academic adviser was great and he told me he is checking with someone about getting an exception for me that would allow me to take a group of 3 classes together, rather than having to take 1 of the 3 classes as a prereq for the other 2.  If he gets the exception, I will be done in 2 years!  I will graduate in Dec. of 2014!  I was SO thrilled to hear that, and it just felt RIGHT.  

So at the moment I am thankful.  Thankful for the still small voice that prompts me so I know what the Lord's plan is for me.  So I know what my Father in Heaven has in store for me.  So I know how to stay on the path that will help my family & me the most.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to have a sure knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, a brother who gave His life for me, and the gift of the Holy Ghost so I can communicate with them.  

If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that this blog has been based on inspiration. This post is as well, more so than normal, if possible. The reason is I have been boldly instructed to share this information, my experiences, with someone else. The problem being, I have no idea who that person is. So, for now my blog is open again, and I am hoping if you feel inspired to share this with someone else, you will. As previously mentioned I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression. It's a scary, hard, awful, thing. Something that I am afraid is going to swallow me whole sometimes.

This past Thursday I found that I was once again placed in a deep pit of despair. We woke up as normal and were doing our scripture study. We had finished and were starting to work on our budget. My chest started to tighten and I felt like my stomach became a bottomless pit. I felt fear. Real, tangible fear. The feeling was so overwhelming I didn't even know what to do next. I then proceeded to be sick. I barely made it to the restroom and needed the trash can as well. I'm sorry if that was tmi, but I feel it necessary to paint the picture. This went on for over half an hour. Matt had called a good friend to come over and they gave me a blessing. The blessing was interesting to me for several reasons. One was that I was told the reason I experience this trial is so that I can share my experiences with other. Another was I was silently praying in my head during the blessing. Not something I make a habit out of, but I had a lot of questions. As soon as one question escaped my mind, the answer came verbally in the blessing through Greg. It felt as if I was having a conversation directly with my Father in Heaven. I mean, I know that through prayers and blessings we are hearing from Him, but this was different. This felt as if I was sitting at His feet asking questions and He was answering. I never in my life had such a real life witness that I was the daughter of a King.

Matt ended up needing to take a sick day on Thursday to look after me. Friday morning was really tough again, but I had a cleaning job that I had to go to. Before I dropped Matt off at work he gave me another blessing, this time one of comfort. During the blessing I was given this sweet, tender mercy, from my Father in Heaven. He gave me this very specific action I could do when things started to get overwhelming for me during the day. It was simply placing my right index finger on my left cheek. Simple, right? Yet so hard. Hard to have enough faith to know that such a simple thing could fix the problem. Even if the fix was only temporary (the blessing even stated it would only work that day). It did work though. Not only did it calm me when needed, it further testified to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. And while some trials require long-suffering, He loves us enough to give us reprieve in our darkest hours.

Another knowledge I was blessed with through the specific trials this weekend is that our Savior suffered this too. I have been taught, and thought I understood, that through the Atonement the Savior felt every pain, sorrow, and heartache we could ever fill, I don't think it ever sunk into me that it includes anxiety and depression. This "lightbulb" gave me sweet assurance that I can do this. The Savior did this, He felt this, so that I would know I can do this. There's more I could share, but I feel like this is all I needed to share at this time. I do want to reiterate that if you, or anyone you know, can benefit from this post please pass it on. Pass my contact information on as well. It can be scary, but talking about things like this with people who have experienced it can help. With that being said, I'm including a video that discusses it and has helped me immensely.

Enduring it Well