Sunday, September 2, 2012

If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that this blog has been based on inspiration. This post is as well, more so than normal, if possible. The reason is I have been boldly instructed to share this information, my experiences, with someone else. The problem being, I have no idea who that person is. So, for now my blog is open again, and I am hoping if you feel inspired to share this with someone else, you will. As previously mentioned I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression. It's a scary, hard, awful, thing. Something that I am afraid is going to swallow me whole sometimes.

This past Thursday I found that I was once again placed in a deep pit of despair. We woke up as normal and were doing our scripture study. We had finished and were starting to work on our budget. My chest started to tighten and I felt like my stomach became a bottomless pit. I felt fear. Real, tangible fear. The feeling was so overwhelming I didn't even know what to do next. I then proceeded to be sick. I barely made it to the restroom and needed the trash can as well. I'm sorry if that was tmi, but I feel it necessary to paint the picture. This went on for over half an hour. Matt had called a good friend to come over and they gave me a blessing. The blessing was interesting to me for several reasons. One was that I was told the reason I experience this trial is so that I can share my experiences with other. Another was I was silently praying in my head during the blessing. Not something I make a habit out of, but I had a lot of questions. As soon as one question escaped my mind, the answer came verbally in the blessing through Greg. It felt as if I was having a conversation directly with my Father in Heaven. I mean, I know that through prayers and blessings we are hearing from Him, but this was different. This felt as if I was sitting at His feet asking questions and He was answering. I never in my life had such a real life witness that I was the daughter of a King.

Matt ended up needing to take a sick day on Thursday to look after me. Friday morning was really tough again, but I had a cleaning job that I had to go to. Before I dropped Matt off at work he gave me another blessing, this time one of comfort. During the blessing I was given this sweet, tender mercy, from my Father in Heaven. He gave me this very specific action I could do when things started to get overwhelming for me during the day. It was simply placing my right index finger on my left cheek. Simple, right? Yet so hard. Hard to have enough faith to know that such a simple thing could fix the problem. Even if the fix was only temporary (the blessing even stated it would only work that day). It did work though. Not only did it calm me when needed, it further testified to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. And while some trials require long-suffering, He loves us enough to give us reprieve in our darkest hours.

Another knowledge I was blessed with through the specific trials this weekend is that our Savior suffered this too. I have been taught, and thought I understood, that through the Atonement the Savior felt every pain, sorrow, and heartache we could ever fill, I don't think it ever sunk into me that it includes anxiety and depression. This "lightbulb" gave me sweet assurance that I can do this. The Savior did this, He felt this, so that I would know I can do this. There's more I could share, but I feel like this is all I needed to share at this time. I do want to reiterate that if you, or anyone you know, can benefit from this post please pass it on. Pass my contact information on as well. It can be scary, but talking about things like this with people who have experienced it can help. With that being said, I'm including a video that discusses it and has helped me immensely.

Enduring it Well

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