A Broken Heart & Shattered Dreams

If you follow my Facebook newsfeed you know that I have been having some serious medical issues lately.  I had some lab work done last week that brought to light the fact my hemoglobin was at a 5.2 (I should be at a 14-15).  I was scheduled for an emergency blood transfusion where I received two units.  Today was my follow-up appointment where I found it is still only up to a 7.1...so, I will need 2 iron infusions as well.  I assumed that would happen, is was what I was told next that was more of a shock to my core.

The reason behind my severe anemia is the gynecological problems I've been having for over a decade. The beating my body is taking with the low levels of blood are causing a high risk of more serious problems such as heart damage, heart attack, stroke, or other organ failure.  Because of this it is important to stop the problem ASAP.  How?  A hysterectomy.  Something I've been avoiding for a long time because I want so badly to have children of my own, but something I can't avoid anymore without risking my own life.  I have been feeling that it was approaching this for several months now, but it didn't make the blow any less hard today.  I feel like my dreams have been taken away from me and I don't know how to rebuild new ones.  I know there is foster care/adoption.   I was adopted and we have always planned on adopting.  We just didn't know until now that it would be the only way we will bring children into our home.

I know that this must be part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know that I can handle it if He did plan it for me...but at the same time I am not sure I will ever have the faith in my own strength as He does and I don't know how to cope.

Sometimes it's OK

Matt has been gone for work a lot lately and it's really starting to take its toll on me.  Between my PTSD/anxiety, and the other physical problems I have, it's really hard for me when he is not here.  After finding out he'll be gone another three weeks, I expressed my frustration on a Facebook post, and while I am positive all comments were meant well, most rubbed me a little wrong - and I've had to really think about why.  There is a school of thought, especially with church-goers, that everything must be daises, and I strongly disagree.  I think we beat ourselves up too often telling ourselves we aren't allowed to be sad and that's just crazy.  Should we wallow in our self-pity?  Should we kick, scream, and cry acting out like a toddler who didn't get their way?  Should we lash out at other's happiness?  Absolutely not!  But, does that mean we can't feel sad?  I really don't think so!  

I know it's good and important to focus on our blessings.  We would be extremely ungrateful for the wonderful gifts our Father in Heaven has given us if not.  However, in life there are things that happen, outside of our control, that are definite bummers.  Are we supposed to ignore them and pretend they don't happen?  Pretend they don't bother us?  Again, I really don't think so.  I did that, for a lot of years, about the abuse - and it sent me to a place that wasn't good.  It set me back in my spiritual growth, as well as causing issues with my physical/mental self.  Since then, I've resolved not to let that happen.  Not to let people make me feel like I shouldn't ever talk about the bummers in life. 

So, while I know comments are meant well, I think we should think before we speak.  Instead of always telling someone "chin up" or "I did this, you can too" or "look on the bright side", maybe an "I'm sorry this is hard for you" would be more appropriate.

Oh, and by the way...

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately.  I am not even sure if overwhelmed can explain it adequately.  In the last six months I have felt myself allow my testimony to dwindle.  I haven't stopped going to church, or fulfilling my callings, or committed any heinous sins.  I have just stopped doing the things that help me renew myself spiritually daily...like scripture study, prayer, and etc.  I have also found myself questioning my purpose.  Questioning if I've chosen the right path for myself.  Questioning where my worth is - if I have any. 

With all of this I have learned several things that I need to do to help me get where I need to be...and after a pure breakdown late last night, a Priesthood blessing from my husband (learn what that is here) and a lot of inspiration from my Heavenly Father I have come to realize I NEED to take one step at a time.  I am supposed to take one step at a time.  So many times I will look at all the things I am supposed to be doing and I'm not, and I will resolve I have to start doing all of them right NOW, and when I'm not there in like a week, I get overwhelmed again and just give up completely.  

So one step at a time it is...but I don't know how to do that.  So that's why I am blogging... I need help. And a lot of times when I get things out like this, they start to make a little more sense to me.  They start to take a shape.  So, feel free to read or not - they are more my thoughts out loud.  

I was talking to Matt after church today and I realized I need to set my priorities... I need to schedule my life. The conversation went a little like this:  
I have to work, not an option, and I have to eat and sleep.
I have to go to church, and by the way I have to prepare my lesson, and work on my public affairs calling...
and oh and by the way, I have to study my scriptures daily, and make time for personal prayer 
and oh and by the way, I need to study the Sunday School lesson I'm missing while teaching my class, as well as the lesson for Relief Society
and oh and by the way I was prompted to do Jamberry - so now I have to start building my business 
and oh and by the way I really need to focus on my health, and we need to find time to go to the gym
and I really would like to spend some time with my husband, and in the process I am hoping my house doesn't begin to look like a landfill.  

So, there it is... it's written....and I am leaving it there to come back to as I don't know what to do wtih it right now.  If anyone has any advice then please feel free to share :)  

A new year, a new year, year, a newwwwww year!

This is what cute Jenna has been chanting all morning... Strutting around in Ariel high heels and a sparkly pink tutu. 

I think we all think, at one point or another, 'ugh, a new year's resolution... Yet another goal I will give up on in a few short weeks.' This precise thought is the reason I stopped making them a few years ago. However, I still think it's important to set goals to better ourselves... Which is why I am making a New Me Resolution this year. I don't think that the current me is bad, but as always, there is some room for improvement. So, I have set 3 "new me" resolutions that I am working towards, this year, and always. With this, I have a list of items that will build each month to help me achieve the better me. The me I know The Lord has intended me to be. So, here it is, here is the list. Feel free to hold me accountable and ask me how things are going! I appreciate it and it helps me stay on track. 

I. Become more like Him

    January: Read/study my scriptures daily. 

II. Be a better wife

    January: write a love note to Matt everyday with a different reason I love him each day. It sometimes is so easy to focus on what is annoying rather than what is enamoring. 

III. Improve my physical well-being

   January: Join WeightWatchers and improve my eating habits. While I am hoping weight loss will be a result, I want to do it to treat the Temple I was given with more respect. After all, it's a blessing and should be treated as such. 

As the year continues I hope to build on each goal, instead of replacing it. So, in the next 365 days I hope and will strive to develop 36 habits that will help create a better me.