Forgiveness

I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness. I am thankful I have been able to repent of my transgressions and receive forgiveness from my Father in Heaven and those I have offended. However, it appears those who have no weight in the matter have decided I am not worthy of the forgiveness and are using this blog against me. Due to this, I have decided to make the blog private even though it is going against the distinct purpose of this blog. If you would like access to the blog, please send me the e-mail address you use with blogger so I can add you to the list. I will go private by the end of this week, and in the mean time have hidden the other posts. I truly hope that most of you will request an invite and continue to follow the blog!

Thirty

I have officially left my twenties behind and turned 30 yesterday. For such a 'big' birthday, it was pretty low-key. My niece Mackinzee is down from Michigan so I picked her up and we had lunch at Olive Garden and took advantage of Sandusky Cinemark's $4.50 movie deal on Tuesdays and saw Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days. I know nothing of the series so didn't know what to expect, but it was a good movie. When I got back into town I picked Matt up from work and we had Brian Buffet for dinner and he decided we needed to take care of Mansfield Cinemark's $1 movie deal and we went and saw What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was a really good, hilarious movie! However, I hate that they feel the need to put certain realities of pregnancy (miscarriages namely) in movies that are supposed to be comedies because I cried, (full blown sob) for about 15 minutes of the movie. Jerks. It's been funny. Since we've moved to Ashland and I've met people that I probably won't have a lasting relationship with (students in my classes, professors, and etc) when the question of age has come up I've just said 30 since I was basically there anyhow. Turning 30 wasn't a big deal to me, maybe because my husband will be 37 next week, or because I've had enough life experience that I feel closer to like 60 at this point, or more than likely because it's just another number. However, yesterday, it was kind of a big deal to me. Between lunch and the movie Mackinzee and I had time to kill so she wanted to look at shoes at JcPenny. While my 10 year old niece (who is too tall and looks to old to order off the kids menu anymore) was picky out 6" heels with glitter and sequence, I was looking at the 'sensible' shoes that were in neutral colors and had small heels on them. I sat there thinking in my head "when did I become the old lady". My oldest sister Lisa is 14 years older than me, and I remember as a teenager shoe shopping with her and promising myself that I was never going to turn 'old' that quick. Well here I am. It was only proven again when we walked by dresses and Kinz pointed some out and I told her she would had to sew them together to cover enough skin - then she told me the dress I liked wasn't glamorous enough. Oh boy!

So here I am, 30, and a little freaked out. Freaked out that I just decided to change careers and start school all over. Freaked out that we still haven't been able to have a successful pregnancy and I'm going to 75 when my kids graduate high school. And a little freaked out that I'm already this 'old'. Then reality sinks in and I'm thankful. Thankful that at 30 I have a sure testimony of a Father in Heaven that loves me and a Savior that has suffered all for me. Thankful that I've been sealed to a wonderful man for time and all eternity and that loves and supports me in all things. Thankful that my career change has brought us to a place where I know the Lord wants us and that we absolutely love. Thankful that I'm 3 years cancer free. Thankful that I've learned to forgive so that I can be forgiven. Thankful that each day I can grow closer to my Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ. And thankful to know that if I follow the Gospel, my life will be what God wants it to be, and that will be perfect.

Trials

We had a lesson on adversity in Relief Society given by a sweet sister who I love to be around because I can just feel the warmth of her spirit. Throughout the lesson and all day today I've been able to reflect on the subject, and my testimony continues to grow on how our trials are truly blessings. Not only blessings to ourselves, but to others. I have tried to make a habit of keeping a record of all the blessings that come from my trials, at least the bigger ones. It's amazing to see the way the Lord works in our lives. One of the most amazing things I have seen the Lord do through trials is to teach people how to support and uplift each other. We all have our own trials, and no two people go through the exact same struggle. However, we are given similar experiences to help each other learn and grow from them. Once I had gotten over the grief and pain of the sexual abuse I endured as a child, I learned through the Spirit that one of the reasons I had that trial and experience is to help others cope with similar trials. Since then I can't even count how many sisters, young and old, I've been able to talk to and share my experience with. My testimony has grown exponentially since then, in ways I can't describe. The sister that taught today had shared that her son had taken his own life many years ago. She had mentioned it in Sunday school briefly, but then discussed it more in depth during Relief Society. I know that one reason she had to suffer that trial is so that almost 30 years later she could share the experience in my presence and help me come to terms with emotional struggles I've had since my brother took his life 11-1/2 years ago. It has always seemed taboo to discuss suicide in the Church for one reason or another. It was like a breath of fresh air that she was willing to openly discuss what she went through in a wonderful attitude of reverence that helped me to feel the Spirit of the Lord so strongly. I am eternally grateful for a Heavenly Father who's knowledge of us is perfect. Who's knowledge of circumstances surrounding all of our choices is perfect so that we can be judged perfectly. I am thankful for those that have learned to see the blessings that trials bring and that have taught me to do the same. I truly am thankful for my trials.

Hallelujah

I absolutely love this song, and these three girls gave me goose bumps so I thought I would share it! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

I Love to See the Temple

I love to be able to attend the Temple. I love to be able to feel the Spirit so strong I feel like I must burst. I love to know that when I walk within those doors I am completely safe. Completely safe from all forms of abuse and negativity. I love that I can feel so close to our Father in Heaven and Savior there. I love that I can receive special answers to prayers there. I've been considering a part-time position at the University to help with our financial bind. It would only be 12 hours a week, but paid well enough that it would cover our rent every month. The problem is that it would mean I would be able to attend Cub Scouts on Wednesday evenings, and I could no longer consider working at the Temple with Matt again because I would have to work every Saturday morning. The position really did seem ideal to help our financial situation, but after receiving such sweet answers to my prayers I know now that it is not the answer. What I am to do is to devote the next few weeks off of school on my current callings, and to prepare to receive more assignments from the Lord. Right now we are serving on the Stake Public Affairs committee as Social Media Specialists (we are primarily responsible for the Stake Newsletter and FB page) and as Cub Scout Den Leaders over the Wolf Pack. I have also received a third calling within the ward, but haven't been sustained yet so can't divulge what that is quite yet. I'm quite excited for our current callings because they both challenge me greatly but appeal to the organizational and crafty sides of me that I enjoy using. I also received inspiration to talk to Bishop Yates about serving in the Temple again. I was hesitant before, but now know that is what the Lord wants me to do. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am thankful for a knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I comprehend, and a Savior that was willing to suffer for my sins and lay his life down for me. I am thankful for continuing revelation and that I can receive answers to my prayers.

Death & Closure

I am recommitting myself to this blog - for real this time! I was able to reread a lot of the posts and the Spirit once again confirmed to me that I MUST do this. I also realized that by slacking I missed out on some neat posts that would have helped me now and now I only have distant memories of the testimony gained, rather than a powerful reminder. My grandmother passed away earlier this month. That's the second grandmother I've lost this year, and my last living grandparent (out of 8 - 4 of which I knew and had relationships with). There was quite an experience at the funeral, but I think I need to post more about my family situation first. In August 2007 my entire world officially fell apart. There was reason to believe my niece had been sexually abused as well, so we immediately had to action. My little sister's relationship with the rest of the family has always been strained, so we knew if the information about what happened to us came from her it likely wouldn't be heard. So I started with a call to my oldest sister Lisa, mainly because my niece was on the way to her house in KY with my parents when my little sister Kim called to tell me the things my niece had mentioned to her. From there my sister told my brother Keith in CO and my sister Michelle who lived near Cleveland. At first they were all very supportive and wanted to do what they could to help, until we didn't do things on their terms. At the time I was living with my parents, so I needed time to move out first (3 weeks was all I was asking for). While I'm not sure what transpired with them, I do know they tried to confront my dad behind our backs (I mean really, it didn't happen to YOU, what makes you think it's YOUR right!?!). Thankfully my mom mentioned something to me in passing that led me to figure out their plan and we were able to stop that from happening. In the mean time my sister had talked to a therapist and he had to report it to children's services. Within a couple of days of me moving out they made a home visit to my parents about the accusations. From there all hell broke loose and I've not been able to contact any of my nieces and nephews since. My sister Lisa and brother Keith basically refuse to acknowledge my existence, but now, after years, my sister Michelle will still have chit-chat conversations with me via Facebook. The things that have happened since with my nieces and nephews (1 of which I haven't met) have made my heart ache wanting to reach out to them and help, hug, kiss and just love them. Now fast forward. My Grandma Schultz ("granny haha") has been suffering from cancer for years. Within the last few months she's worsened and she was moved into hospice earlier this summer. A few weeks ago, at the age of 97, she finally gave up the battle and left this earth. It really was the best thing for her body that became so increasingly frail. When the entire family drama happened years ago, Grandma Schultz was one of the family members to cut us off because of what we 'accused' her son of. Having been close to her prior to that though, Kim and I both wanted to show our respects and attend the funeral. I had talked to my mom about it and she was sure nobody would cause drama for me, but she couldn't promise the same from Kim. While we don't know for sure what has been said, we've assumed most of the "blame" has been put on Kim because of our different reputations within the family. We got to the funeral home early, and when we walked in only my parents and my cousin and his girlfriend were there. I think my cousin felt the tension because they quickly went into the other room. At that point my dad turned around and called my sister a name and told her that she had a lot of nerve being there. He kept running at the mouth while me and mom both tried to get him to stop but it didn't work. I started to walk away as my sister ran crying from the room, but something came over me. I turned around and bent down so I was right in front of his face and said "You will pay for eternity for what you did. You don't need to be concerned with her nerve." I was then told to leave too (which I would have anyhow) and grabbed Matt and Kim and we headed to the parking lot. I can't begin to explain the huge weight that was relieved from my shoulders when I walked out of that funeral home. I was seriously GIDDY the entire day. After a lot of therapy, prayer, and practice I had learned to forgive my dad for what he did, but I never really had that feeling of closure. After saying that to him, in front of my mom, I finally felt that since of closure and peace. Afterwards my mom left me and Kim a voicemail apologizing for what happened, and my sister Michelle sent us messages after she found out what happened. I knew it wasn't their faults and they couldn't control it, but it was nice to hear someone else recognize that what he did at the funeral was wrong. I know that from an eternal perspective things will be taken care of, and honestly, that's all that matters to me....but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it would feel really good if someone would just say they believe me and know I wouldn't lie about something so horrific.

I'm a slacker.

So clearly I didn't keep my promise of posting 6 months ago! Agh! So a quick run down of what's happened over the last 10 months: August 2011 - I left my job. It was by choice, and they really wanted/needed me to stay, but my mental health was anything but healthy and I knew I needed time to heal. After prayer and careful consideration I left my job, and we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and left our home. We stayed with Matt's mom for almost 3 months, and then with dear friends for another six months. I started my own cleaning business, that really didn't pick up immediately - just a few one-time jobs. Then, in October, tragedy struck the family of a dear friend when her 9 year old went into the hospital with an unknown illness. Thankfully, my lack of employment allowed me to help the family in various ways, which included being on "night duty" at the hospital so mom could sleep. 8-1/2 weeks later, the dear thing was able to go home and now, several months later, she has almost no signs of the awful disease that disabled her mind and body for such an awful amount of time. After the hospital stays were done it was like a light switch flipped for my business and I now have 4 full-time clients. We would really benefit if I could pick up one or two more clients, but we are extremely blessed by the ones I currently have. In January '12 we decided to pray one more time about moving to Ashland, and this time it was a yes. It was not only a yes to move, but a yes for me to go back to school full-time starting in May. So, that's where I'm at now. I have 5 classes this summer and am loving being back in school (surprisingly enough). I am hoping to keep the fast pace up and be able to complete my degree in Early Childhood Education within 3 years. We have a beautiful rental home that was new construction that we just adore. If money were no object I would have run up the national debt decorating the place because of how much I love it! Unfortunately (and thankfully) we are broke - as broke as ever - so we are learning to do without our wants, and for now, a few of the less important needs. It has really helped to humble both of us and I think we are finally both in a place where we are totally committed to being fiscally responsible (something we've failed at in our marriage so far). During the move I lost my prescription of Lexapro, so I went without it for a little over two weeks. It was good in a way because I learned I cannot go off of it, at least not quite yet...but I also learned that if I did have to, I would be OK (just not great). Once we found it I went back on it just every other day until I can afford to go back to the doctor to have the prescription renewed (as this was my last refill since she wanted to maybe take me off after 6 months). So I think that is the short of it - there is definitely a much longer version of the events over the last several months, some of which I'll share as part of my spiritual growth, but I definitely won't bore you with all of the details. If anyone is still reading this, let me know :)