A new battery pack, please...

That's what I need to keep going.  My schedule this semester, along with Church responsibilities, work, and family drama, is draining me.  I have a few posts floating in my head, but haven't had long enough to sit down and write them.  After I do the stake newsletter and finish the next two weeks of classes maybe...spring break, can't come soon enough!

Don't judge me because I sin differently than you.

In last April's conference President Uchtdorf shared a bumper sticker he had seen on the highway ~ "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you".  It's such a wonderful way to remind us all that not a single one of us is sin free.  We all make mistakes.  We are all sinners.  Yet we are all very good at deciding other's sins are worse than our own.  I once heard a sister talk in a Relief Society lesson on how her 'machines' get a rest on the Sabbath as well (I think the example used was the dishwasher).  Then that evening she posted on Facebook about all the cooking and baking she had done that afternoon with her free time.  There was another time when a brother was talking about how he wouldn't condone the actions of those that would duck out and go to McDonald's during Sunday School, as he was watching a movie that evening.  Now let me be clear - I have done all of these things on the Sabbath, so I am not judging or condemning anyone for their actions.  They are just recent events that have really helped me to focus in on how we are all unintentional hypocrites - myself included.  

This realization has helped me really know what my spiritual new year's resolution needs to be.  I have a strong desire, and need, to stop judging people as if I'm free of sin.  Clearly I'm not, and I'm all too aware of that.  However, when I look at others, I tend to somehow think my sins aren't as 'bad' or 'serious' as theirs.  Which quite frankly, is crap. We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We will all be judged in our own time, for our own action and desires, but the most important thing is that it will be by the Lord.  The only one worthy of doing so as He truly was the only one who could walk this earth in perfection.  

So my desire is to see everyone as the Lord sees them.  To see them as children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Not just those I have relationships with, but everyone.  People I pass on campus, or have class with.  Those I see at the store or work for.  I want to see them as the Lord sees them, and in turn, learn to love them as the Lord loves them.  

Waiting for the straw...

...you know it, the proverbial one, the one that broke the camel's back?  I can feel it coming and at this point I am just waiting to see what form the straw comes in.  Blech.

The past couple of months have been extremely hard.  Extremely.  It isn't even so much that there has been a ton of earth shattering events, especially in comparison to some of my previous experiences, but there has been a lot of events - one right after the other - that have caused some serious stress.

I already mentioned my dad's surgery in my last post, but it has already gotten worse.  They moved him in a nursing home and after being there for 2 days there was a serious complication and he had another major surgery.  The stupid nursing home did not follow the surgeon's orders, at all.  They were taking him out of his room in a wheelchair for PT that wasn't ordered (and they were instructed not to take him out of bed for anything basically).  They didn't properly set the leg on the pillows as needed.  And to top it all off they put him in a bed too short for him to lay straight.  The man just had a serious surgery in which a lot of his tissue/bone surrounding his hip & pelvic were removed - I mean really, do the staff in nursing homes go through the same schooling as everyone else?  Well the temporary hip joint (made from antibiotic cement, or something like that) popped completely out and they had to take him back into Cleveland for surgery.  This time they had to do the full replacement because they knew his heart/lungs wouldn't make it through a third surgery.  Nothing like doing a major surgery not knowing if a life threatening infection is gone or not....

On September 17th my uncle Delbert (my mom's brother) committed suicide.  No warning, note, reasoning, or anything.  He just went out in the yard and that was it.  My aunt (who was inside) didn't even realize it until  the neighbors found him.  To make an awful situation worse, my mom called yesterday to tell me my cousin David (Delbert's son) took his own life on Monday evening.  There were notes this time, but the Sheriff had them and my mom didn't know what was in them.  Besides these being horrific events in themselves, they also drudge up awful memories surrounding my brother's suicide.  Oh how I miss him.

As if enough hasn't been going on, my landlords are trying to get us out.  I really feel like it is because of our religion.  Of course that hasn't been said directly, but their total attitude changed with us after knowing what faith we are.  The worst part is the ploy they are using is that we are planning on bringing in foster children and the lease says we have to have permission for additional tenants (and basically they wouldn't approve foster children).  This is wrong on SO many levels!  1)  Legally they are full of it, and we know they can't actually evict us for it, but who wants to live in that atmosphere (especially since they living behind us).  2) We talked to them before we ever signed a lease about our desire to be foster parents and they were THRILLED.  They told us about their experiences as foster parents and asked about our classes and etc. So, we are meeting with them tomorrow night.  We've prayed about it a lot and are just going to tell them that if they really have ill feelings towards it they need to give us time to find a new place and let us out of the lease.  I don't want to leave in an atmosphere of contention.

Add in my normal crazy school schedule, work, and my church callings and this girl is emotionally and physically spent.  I really feel like if just one more thing happens I'm going to crack.

FAT - Frustration, Anxiety, Tension

So the acronym is actually from a workshop on learning disabilities that I watched in one of my classes a few weeks ago, but it just seemed to fit my state of being right now all too well.  I'm so very frustrated, and blogging is about the only thing I can do about it right now - so plan to 'hear' a lot if you continue reading!

If you know the family situation I've dealt with, you also know how difficult it has been for me to start rebuilding a relationship with my parents.  However, I've been doing it - with the support of an amazing husband by my side and love of a Father in Heaven and Savior to hold me up when Matt isn't quite enough.  On Tuesday of this week my dad was scheduled for a hip replacement of his hip replacement.  He had one several years ago and about 14 months ago something unexplicably started causing him severe pain.  Pain to the point he wasn't able to walk without aide, and eventually wasn't able to walk at all.  This has caused serious strains on my parents for the last year as it was extremely difficult for him to leave the house, and he couldn't be left alone for very long which tied my mom down to the house.  All of that on top of the shear pain he felt on almost a constant basis.

After countless appointments with specialists they could not pin point what was causing the pain so about 2 months ago they decided it would be necessary to go in and remove the initial hip replacement, and do a new replacement.  That was scheduled for this past Tuesday.  The surgery started around 4:30 and what should have been 4 hours, was actually 7 hours, and the replacement wasn't done at all.  When they got in there they found out infection had spread all over his hip, joints, pelvic bone and into his leg.  They spent 7 hours draining infection and removing bone and flesh.  They want to send him home Monday but he cannot put any weight at all on the leg (for obvious reasons) and will be on an IV antibiotic for 6 weeks.  2 weeks after that they will go in an be sure the infection really is gone, and if it is, they can then start rebuilding the pelvic bone and replace the hip.

When my mom was telling me all of this my heart sank.  If you know anything about infection, you know how serious it is and that it could still potentially take his life.  To top it all off my sister Lisa came up to see him (which is great) but because of her crappy attitude (or whatever) I now can't even go up and see him if she's going to be there.  It was so bad my mom went into the bathroom to call me this morning! In her own house!  UGH!  Why her and Keith feel like they are victims in all of this and have a right to be upset with me is beyond my comprehension.  The only people they are victims of are their own crappy self-serving attitudes.

So that's where I'm at today.  Frustration over Keith and Lisa and their holier-than-thou positions that continue to impact me.  Anxiety over the seriousness of the situation medically and the potential outcomes. And tension, good ol' tension - so thick I feel like I am drowning in it and not quite sure how to escape it right now.

Inspiration

I am so thankful for inspiration from God given to us through the Holy Ghost.  So very thankful.  Last August I was in a terrible spot.  Through prayer we decided I would quit my job.  We had no plan, we just knew I wouldn't be going back to work.  If you know me you know how important having a plan is to me.  I don't do things spontaneously.  I don't make small decisions on a whim, let alone life changing ones.  At that time it didn't matter though.  I knew the answer we received was from God, and that's all I needed at the time.  

Within a month we knew that I should start my own cleaning business.  I had done it part time before and had been successful, and I love to clean.  It would also allow me to avoid working with others.  Not that I don't like other people, but I don't like them in competitive work environments that brings out the best worst.  We worked on creating a business name & logo, and had fliers and business cards printed.  Then my friend Amanda and I started pounding pavement handing out fliers.  I had a couple of one-time jobs, but nothing was catching.  I didn't get it.  We were following what we were inspired to do.  We were running out of money, and quick.  What were we going to do?  Then the phone call came.  My friend's 9 year old was at Rainbow Babies with an extremely debilitating illness that they couldn't diagnose and treatment wasn't helping.  Then I had my answer.  This is why nothing had picked up.  This is what the Lord needs me to do.  I spent the next several weeks helping at the hospital.  Taking shifts so mom could sleep (or pretend to) at the hospital, or babysitting the other kids while dad worked and other things that needed done so mom and dad could focus on the more important things.  Within a couple weeks of the sweet girl coming home from the hospital I received two regular cleaning jobs along with quite a few deep cleaning jobs.  What a blessing that was, and I have no doubt it was all in the Lord's plan.  

After I was getting into a good routine we had another prompting.  Well, I had the prompting a few times, but was getting really good at ignoring it.  So then the prompting was given to Matt - and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I was to go back to school.  Not just that I was to go back to school...but I was to change my major to Early Childhood Education, we were to move to Ashland, and that was that.  Crazy, right?  I thought so.  I am not very far from finishing my Accounting degree, so why start all over?  The move was a shock because we've prayed about making the move a few times, and were always told to stay put.  So now that we weren't praying to move, we were being told to - go figure ;).  

So...fast forward a few months.  I started school in May and completed 14 credit hours over the summer.  I'm about 5 weeks into the fall semester and loving it.   However, the money situation is still pretty tight, and my cleaning jobs were becoming scarce again.  Then in August I was pursuing a part-time job at the university that really seemed to be the answer to our financial bind.  After praying about it though, we realized it wasn't in the Lord's plan for us.  I was so confused, but remember the distinct impression to be prepared to serve.  Within a couple of weeks I again knew what that answer meant and I am currently serving on the Stake Public Affairs Committee, as a Cub Scout Den Leader (with Matt), and also as the ward Organist, Primary Pianist & Choir Accompanist.  I love to serve, and I was sure glad I listened to the prompting on preparing to serve!  Oh, and if you have read this entire post and still haven't seen how serving the Lord can bless us in enumerable ways ~ within a very SHORT time of receiving the last 3 callings, I picked up 2 more regular cleaning jobs and 1 one time job.  Isn't the Lord awesome!  

Which brings me to today...as much as I have loved being back in school, I still question why and if it's really right.  This morning I had my first classroom observation.  I went into a high school math teacher's room and just observed for two hours.  It gave me so many insights into teaching I hadn't had as a student.  Afterwards I had to give a literature presentation.  I had to stand in front of my 16 classmates, treat them as if they were elementary students, and read a book to them and have an activity planned out as well.  I was SO nervous.  After the lesson though the teacher gushed, which felt really good.  She told me that I was most certainly on the right career path and that I did a phenomenal job!  WOW!  I don't say that to brag (well, maybe a little) but mostly because without knowing it the Lord used her to help calm my fear and doubt.  After the presentation I had a meeting with my academic adviser to see how long it was going to take me to get my degree.  Because I was transferring from a business major, I was way behind and I was pretty sure it would take me another 3 years to finish.  3 years has just seemed like too much for me.  Too long for a lot of reasons I won't go into - but just know, it felt too long for me to handle.  The academic adviser was great and he told me he is checking with someone about getting an exception for me that would allow me to take a group of 3 classes together, rather than having to take 1 of the 3 classes as a prereq for the other 2.  If he gets the exception, I will be done in 2 years!  I will graduate in Dec. of 2014!  I was SO thrilled to hear that, and it just felt RIGHT.  

So at the moment I am thankful.  Thankful for the still small voice that prompts me so I know what the Lord's plan is for me.  So I know what my Father in Heaven has in store for me.  So I know how to stay on the path that will help my family & me the most.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to have a sure knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, a brother who gave His life for me, and the gift of the Holy Ghost so I can communicate with them.  

If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that this blog has been based on inspiration. This post is as well, more so than normal, if possible. The reason is I have been boldly instructed to share this information, my experiences, with someone else. The problem being, I have no idea who that person is. So, for now my blog is open again, and I am hoping if you feel inspired to share this with someone else, you will. As previously mentioned I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression. It's a scary, hard, awful, thing. Something that I am afraid is going to swallow me whole sometimes.

This past Thursday I found that I was once again placed in a deep pit of despair. We woke up as normal and were doing our scripture study. We had finished and were starting to work on our budget. My chest started to tighten and I felt like my stomach became a bottomless pit. I felt fear. Real, tangible fear. The feeling was so overwhelming I didn't even know what to do next. I then proceeded to be sick. I barely made it to the restroom and needed the trash can as well. I'm sorry if that was tmi, but I feel it necessary to paint the picture. This went on for over half an hour. Matt had called a good friend to come over and they gave me a blessing. The blessing was interesting to me for several reasons. One was that I was told the reason I experience this trial is so that I can share my experiences with other. Another was I was silently praying in my head during the blessing. Not something I make a habit out of, but I had a lot of questions. As soon as one question escaped my mind, the answer came verbally in the blessing through Greg. It felt as if I was having a conversation directly with my Father in Heaven. I mean, I know that through prayers and blessings we are hearing from Him, but this was different. This felt as if I was sitting at His feet asking questions and He was answering. I never in my life had such a real life witness that I was the daughter of a King.

Matt ended up needing to take a sick day on Thursday to look after me. Friday morning was really tough again, but I had a cleaning job that I had to go to. Before I dropped Matt off at work he gave me another blessing, this time one of comfort. During the blessing I was given this sweet, tender mercy, from my Father in Heaven. He gave me this very specific action I could do when things started to get overwhelming for me during the day. It was simply placing my right index finger on my left cheek. Simple, right? Yet so hard. Hard to have enough faith to know that such a simple thing could fix the problem. Even if the fix was only temporary (the blessing even stated it would only work that day). It did work though. Not only did it calm me when needed, it further testified to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. And while some trials require long-suffering, He loves us enough to give us reprieve in our darkest hours.

Another knowledge I was blessed with through the specific trials this weekend is that our Savior suffered this too. I have been taught, and thought I understood, that through the Atonement the Savior felt every pain, sorrow, and heartache we could ever fill, I don't think it ever sunk into me that it includes anxiety and depression. This "lightbulb" gave me sweet assurance that I can do this. The Savior did this, He felt this, so that I would know I can do this. There's more I could share, but I feel like this is all I needed to share at this time. I do want to reiterate that if you, or anyone you know, can benefit from this post please pass it on. Pass my contact information on as well. It can be scary, but talking about things like this with people who have experienced it can help. With that being said, I'm including a video that discusses it and has helped me immensely.

Enduring it Well

Forgiveness

I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness. I am thankful I have been able to repent of my transgressions and receive forgiveness from my Father in Heaven and those I have offended. However, it appears those who have no weight in the matter have decided I am not worthy of the forgiveness and are using this blog against me. Due to this, I have decided to make the blog private even though it is going against the distinct purpose of this blog. If you would like access to the blog, please send me the e-mail address you use with blogger so I can add you to the list. I will go private by the end of this week, and in the mean time have hidden the other posts. I truly hope that most of you will request an invite and continue to follow the blog!